A Powerful Way to Heal the Past and Let Go

This practice has helped me heal when I've felt the most stuck

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Aloha Lovelies,

I attended a Catholic elementary school as a young girl, which meant morning mass every weekday and periodic confession.

The dark, tiny confessional cubicle creeped me out. Being shy, introverted, and obedient, I stressed over what to confess. I rarely had real ones, so I made up sins.

“Father, I lied twice.”

That moment in the confessional counted as one big lie, the other just a fantasy. Do you go to a special hell for lying to a priest?

As the years went by, I became a better sinner, but I still dreaded the confessional.

My family moved to California when I entered junior high, which released me from Catholic school. Hurrah! No more creepy confessionals and fake confessions.

I didn’t give confession (or spirituality) another thought until my early 30s when I stumbled into Tibetan Buddhism and quickly became a devoted student.

Buddhism offered inner peace, and not just for me. The entire world could become an enlightened society if everyone embraced its practices. Imagine the end of war, hunger, and poverty—a thought that thrilled my heart.

Among the many practices I learned, like mindfulness meditation, was a powerful practice of healing and transformation that involved (are you ready?) confession.

Fortunately, it didn’t require dark confessionals or confessor priests. I practiced this visualization faithfully for years and experienced moments of remarkable transformation. But, I left the practice behind when I split from my spiritual teacher due to his abusive ways.

Lately, I’ve felt stuck—unable to let go of some past hurts and resentments despite my desire to do so. Sometimes, therapy, affirmations, and journaling—all powerful practices themselves—aren’t enough to uproot our most stubborn patterns and heal our deepest wounds.

I needed to return to the spiritual realm and this practice of healing and transformation to effect more profound healing. You might say I’m currently obsessed with this healing practice because I’ve seen its potent power in the past.

Here’s one example.

True or not, I felt unloved by my parents. I didn’t hate them. I just moved out at 18 and went on with my life.

However, once engaged with Buddhism, with its emphasis on spiritual qualities like love, compassion, and patience, I began to feel guilty for having been a difficult child. I wasn’t horrific, but neither was I filled with love and warmth toward my parents.

In this phase, I began to see my parents through a different lens, recognizing their heart-wrenching challenges as children. For example, my father was abandoned by his mother at an early age. I suddenly felt enormous guilt for having so little compassion but ample self-centeredness in my childhood and early adulthood years.

With a heavy heart, I turned to this practice of healing and transformation. Amazingly, after engaging in it for several weeks, I felt healed. That guilt never disturbed me again.

I want to share this practice with you today in a highly abbreviated and secular form, but I feel hesitant, too. Will the idea of confession creep you out as much as it did me earlier in life?

Maybe we could change the word “confession” to a gentler phrase like “acknowledging our missteps?”

Here’s why I feel this practice is critical to a content and self-aware life.

Our propensities fuel our thoughts, words, and actions. These highly hardened and often unconscious emotional and mental patterns cause us to react and respond in less-than-ideal ways.

Just think of the countless times problematic emotions arise and cause you to suffer on any given day:

• Anger

• Jealousy

• Envy

• Desire

• Pride

• Greed

• Fear

And all their permutations!

Often, we can’t help ourselves. Our emotions come out faster than we can think, and suddenly, we take actions we regret later.

These patterns block our happiness. They obstruct our spiritual evolution if we’re on the path.

I love this practice because it gradually dissolves those tendencies. Who wouldn’t want to eliminate the patterns that destroy our happiness and can make others suffer through our actions?

This ancient practice is also said to help us heal physically. Science has not confirmed that possibility. However, research has shown that visualization, when used as a complement to cancer treatment, can increase comfort, decrease fear of death, and reduce spiritual struggle. Visualization has power.

Even if you don’t embrace the whole practice, I hope some piece of it will click and make a difference in your life.

Ready to explore?

For the record, the entire practice is called “Meditation and Recitation on Vajrasattva.” I will abbreviate and secularize it for you since, in its regular form, it’s highly elaborate and esoteric.

Before we begin the visualization, there are four powers associated with the practice that make it effective:

1. The power of support is the object to whom you confess. It could be any divine or spiritual figure who holds meaning for you. Or you could imagine the presence of light without a specific form.

2. The power of regret means a sincere feeling of remorse for past wrongdoings. Without genuine regret, you cannot clear negative karma acquired from past actions.

3. The power of resolution means to commit to never engaging in the same negative actions again.

4. The power of action as an antidote refers to positive actions to counter past negative actions. These can include this healing visualization, apologizing, or engaging in positive acts like charity or helping others.

All four powers must be in place for healing and transformation to occur. Take a moment to reflect on the relevance of these four powers and whether they make sense to you.

Lastly, never use the practice to beat yourself up. We all make mistakes and have habitual tendencies that trick us into actions that harm ourselves and others.

This practice will allow your brightness to emerge. Rejoice in that!

“You may doubt that confession can really purify negative actions. But if your thoughts have become positive, you are purified.”—Jetsun Milarepa

Let’s start with a summary of the visualization.

First, we visualize the nectar of wisdom and compassion flowing streaming through our body and dislodging all negativities. When the process is complete, the nectar of wisdom and compassion fills our body like a glass vase filled with milk. Lastly, we send multi-colored rays of light from our hearts to purify the universe and all beings in it.

This is the detailed visualization and the power of action in three parts:

Part One - Cleansing and Clearing

1. Visualize a divine form or the presence of light about an arrow’s length above your head. This is the power of support.

2. Call to mind all the negative actions you’ve ever engaged in and feel genuine remorse for them. This is the power of regret. Alternatively, you could focus on one adverse action you especially wish to purify.

3. Make a solid resolve never to commit them again. This is the power of resolution.

4. Next, imagine the nectar of wisdom and compassion flowing from the divine being above your head and entering your body through the crown chakra (the top of your head). Imagine the same occurs for all other sentient beings simultaneously.

5. Imagine this milk-like nectar pouring through your body, carrying away all negativity. Traditionally, you’d envision physical illnesses removed as blood and pus. Negative forces flushed out as spiders, scorpions, snakes, toads, etc. Harmful actions and obscurations flowed away as black liquid, dust, smoke, and clouds. If that’s too complicated, simply see the flood of nectar carrying away a black shower of negativity.

6. Next, imagine the earth opens below you, where you see the Lord of Death, who symbolizes your past negative actions, surrounded by all those to whom you owe karmic debts. Visualize all the impurities pouring out of the lower orifices, the soles of your feet, and the pores of your skin into their open mouths and outstretched arms. Since the nectar of wisdom and compassion has subsumed your impurities, it only nourishes those you owe karmic debts to.

Focus on the entire visualization and process simultaneously or alternate between different parts. Allow the nectar to flow and remove all your past negative actions and tendencies for as long as you wish.

When you feel complete with this phase, imagine the Lord of Death and all your karmic creditors feeling satisfied—all your debts have been paid and creditors appeased. The earth closes.

You have been cleansed of all your past negative actions and harmful tendencies that would bring you trouble in the future.

Part Two - Filling Yourself with Nectar

1. Imagine your body is now a transparent body of light.

2. Visualize the central channel that runs vertically down the center of your body. Situated at different points, you see the four chakras, which look like wheels. The wheel at your navel contains 64 radial channels; the wheel at your heart 8; the wheel at your throat 16; and the wheel at the crown of your head 32.

3. The nectar begins to flow again from the divine presence above you, entering through your crown chakra and filling the central channel and the four wheel-shaped chakras. It then spreads from the chakras and channels and fills your entire body, which now looks like a crystal vase filled with milk, the nectar of wisdom and compassion.

Believe with your whole heart that you are entirely healed.

Part Three - Sharing the Blessings

1. The divine being or presence of light above your head dissolves into you, and you become this presence.

2. Five rays of light—white, yellow, red, green, and blue—radiate from his heart.

3. These rays of light aim upwardly, making offerings to all divine beings. In return, they stream love, compassion, and blessings through different-colored rays of light into your being.

4. Then imagine that countless beams of multi-colored rays shoot downwards from your heart and touch all living beings, purifying their harmful actions and tendencies.

5. Traditionally, it’s said that the whole universe becomes the Buddhafield of Manifest Joy. All beings are transformed into white, yellow, red, green, and blue divine forms.

6. When you feel complete with this part of the visualization, imagine that the universe and all its divine forms melt into light and dissolve into your heart. Then you dissolve into light from the outside in.

Rest for as long as you wish in a meditative state free of concepts.

This healing practice has played a transformative role in my life, years ago and presently. I felt compelled to share it with you because I want you to know that even when we feel stuck, we can go deeper, heal, and transform.

Healing and transformation require commitment. You can’t do this visualization once and expect all your past karma to be purified. But with dedication, patience, and faith, you’ll wash away your negative tendencies more each day.

Fundamentally, you are a pure body of light. You only need to purify your past karma to unveil your true nature.

I learned this practice through oral teachings from several different Tibetan Buddhist teachers. The complete practice is recounted in the chapter on “Vajrasatta” in The Words of My Perfect Teacher for those who would like to learn more.

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Until Next Time

I’m still experiencing health challenges, which is why this e-letter arrived a little later than usual in your inbox. I appreciate your understanding.

I’m hoping to be able to get one or two new medicines in the next month that might address the problems I’m having. Fingers crossed—again. Despite the periodic pain and altered sleep, I generally feel well.

Thanks for reading. It means so much to me. Much love and best wishes to you, always.

xo Sandra

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