11 Signs You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries. Now.

#2 You take care of others without thinking about your own needs

Photo by Mikael Blomkvist on Pexels

Personal boundaries are limits you set. They allow in whatever enhances your life but don’t permit whatever detracts from it. These boundaries include people, places, activities, experiences, and internal beliefs.

Personal boundaries safeguard your time and energy so you can focus on your goals and dreams. They define you and allow you to be you. Clear boundaries also protect you from being controlled, manipulated, harmed, or abused by others and yourself.

Why are personal boundaries important? You need clear personal boundaries to:

• Make good choices

• Stay aligned with your values, goals, and personal mission

• Keep out of danger

• Avoid unhealthy relationships

• Foster honesty, understanding, and respect in all your relationships

• Set limits with yourself so you’re not run by false beliefs and unhappy personality patterns

• Allocate your money and resources wisely

• Take good care of your physical health and stay emotionally balanced

And those are just some of the ways personal boundaries can enhance your well-being.

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.” — Henry Cloud

11 Signs You Need Better Personal Boundaries

Whether you have weak boundaries across the board or have trouble setting limits in a few places, you may not realize just how permeable your boundaries have become. These 11 signs will show you where to establish more robust personal boundaries.

1. You always have too much on your plate

You’re the one who always works late and takes on extra assignments for others. You say yes almost every time you’re asked to volunteer. You rarely say no to event invitations even though you feel tired and overstretched.

“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself.”—Paul Coehlo

2. You take care of others without thinking about your own needs

You’re so busy taking care of others that you rarely have time left for yourself and your self-care. You feel you need to fix everyone’s problems. The world might fall apart if you weren’t there to hold it together.

3. You feel resentful and complain even though you agree to other people’s requests or expectations

You say yes to requests, invitations, and expectations but then feel resentful. You silently complain about others' audacity as you fulfill their demands.

Resentment is often a sign that you’re not respecting your limits or are allowing someone to impose their values, opinions, or expectations on you.

“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”—Bréne Brown

4. You feel you must be obedient to a parent, spouse, boss, mentor, or spiritual teacher

You don’t know who you are or what you want in life. Instead, you almost always try to comply with the expectations of those in superior positions.

You might have gone to the school your parents chose or pursued the career or trade they selected for you. In your love relationship, you often say, “Whatever you want. It doesn’t matter to me.” You follow a mentor, spiritual teacher, or religious tradition that requires strict obedience, so you rarely think for yourself.

5. You fail to make clear agreements

You often end up feeling disappointed or filling in the gaps because another person didn’t fulfill their end of an agreement. But in reality, you didn’t make an explicit agreement, to begin with, stating who would do what, the specifics of what they would do, and when they would do it.

6. You find yourself in unhappy relationships again and again

You feel you need to suppress your wishes and desires in your love relationship. In the extreme, you get involved with people who treat you disrespectfully, take advantage of you, treat you like a servant, or abuse you.

You excuse behaviors like not showing up on time, verbal abuse, or lack of loving attention instead of standing up for yourself. You allow others to manipulate and control you in the name of love.

Let’s be clear. The abuse or disrespect is not your fault. But only you can remove yourself from a relationship where your partner’s behavior is unacceptable.

7. You often feel distracted from your personal goals or life purpose

You find it difficult to make your own goals a priority. Instead, you’re constantly distracted by social media, pulled into endless socializing, or captivated by unimportant details.

At the end of the month, you look back and wonder how you frittered away so much time. You feel further away from achieving your goals than ever.

8. You give your time away for free

You’re always willing to help, even if it means sharing your professional expertise for free.

Maybe you don’t give all your time away for free, but you undercharge your clients or never ask for a raise. If you never ask for proper compensation for your knowledge, skills, and energy, you are, in effect, giving some of your time away.

9. You often criticize yourself

You suffer the demands of a strong inner critic. You don’t set limits and refuse to listen to this tyrannical inner judge. You don’t replace her negative comments with positive ones.

10. You make poor choices about money

You lend money to others even when you know they won’t pay you back. You let your friends talk you into extravagant purchases even though you don’t have the money in the bank.

You’re in credit card debt, and you’re not sure you can pay it off. You never have money left at the end of the month. You haven’t set up a personal budget and adhered to it, so your spending knows no limits.

11. You think you’re responsible for other people’s thoughts, feelings, and actions

You feel guilty when someone else feels bad. You feel responsible if they have a terrible day. You wonder if you said or did the wrong thing. If someone loses their wallet or keys, you must find it for them.

Take a Moment to Assess Your Boundaries

Go back through these 11 indicators of weak personal boundaries.

Circle the ones that apply to you. Write them in your journal, planner, or on a sheet of paper, somewhere where you can quickly return to them.

Be honest with yourself, but don’t be harsh—that never helps. Facing the truth might be challenging, but self-awareness is the first step toward positive change.

“No is a complete sentence and so often we forget that. When we don’t want to do something, we can simply smile and say no. Early on my journey, I found developing the ability to say no expanded my ability to say yes and really mean it.”—Susan Greg

You Can Learn to Set Personal Boundaries

I know it’s not easy to set personal boundaries. I’ve suffered from weak boundaries most of my life. I could give you a long list of times I failed to set healthy boundaries. The following are just a few:

• I worked evenings and weekends, took calls in the middle of the night, and fulfilled two job descriptions instead of one.

• As a freelance writer, I felt I had to give my professional time away for free to friends who asked me to review their manuscripts. I silently complained as I complied with their wishes and stretched myself thin.

• I found it extremely difficult to end professional relationships with health care providers like an acupuncturist or massage therapist when I no longer felt in sync with them. I’d avoid drawing the line for weeks, prolonging my discomfort each time I saw them again. I couldn’t get up the courage to tell my truth.

You're not alone if you’ve circled any of the 11 signs above. I did the same for years and years. Women, in particular, struggle with setting personal boundaries because we’ve been conditioned to give selflessly.

Fortunately, setting boundaries is a life skill you can learn. I’ve improved dramatically, and I’m sure you can, too.

“You best teach others about healthy boundaries by enforcing yours.”—Bryant McGill

While I can’t provide a comprehensive guide to setting clear boundaries in this short piece, here are some steps to start.

Select just one of the areas you’ve circled in the list above to focus upon and commit to working with it for a while. Then follow these steps in the area you’ve chosen:

1. Reflect on or journal about why you find it difficult to set boundaries in this area.

2. Imagine what it would feel like to set a boundary in this arena successfully. What would you choose, and how would it feel once accomplished?

3. Then, set a small goal, such as refusing one invitation this week or this month, whatever is realistic for you, and work with it until you achieve it.

4. If it helps, write a simple script and practice what you will say before setting the boundary with another person. This is one of my best boundary hacks.

5. Celebrate your accomplishment and the feeling of self-respect that comes from setting a personal boundary, however small.

Then, set a new small goal and work with it, as you did with your first goal, until you achieve it.

You can move from small goals to more challenging ones as you progress until your boundaries are clear, and you can circumvent more challenging boundary violations with confidence and ease.

You Deserve Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are a system of “yeses” and “nos” that define who or what you want to let into your life and who or what you want to keep out of your life.

Setting healthy boundaries will help you fully own your life, express who you truly are, and actualize your potential. In short, clear boundaries lead to more happiness and greater well-being.

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