A Better Way to Respond to Anger

Use this simple method from an Aikido master to turn it around

Photo by Steven Aguilar on Unsplash

Once, I had an altercation with a woman at the bank. We were both headed towards the entrance to the roped-off waiting line, but we were coming from different directions. I arrived milli-seconds before she did and turned into the line.

She immediately uttered, “Hey, stop.” I obeyed, and she promptly walked past me to the front of the line. She also went ballistic because, after all, she was walking in a straight line. I shouldn’t have stepped into the queue before her.

I didn’t know there were right-of-way rules in a bank. But maybe there’s a law of physics that says never get in front of an anger-prone woman when she’s moving in a straight line—one I just didn’t know about.

She accused me of having bad manners. She told me I should have said “something” before getting into the line ahead of her.

This woman wasn’t disabled or elderly, in which case, I would have paused and let her go ahead. She was much younger than me. In Hawaii, where I live, the tradition is to let “aunties” (elders) go first. But obviously, not in this case.

She continued to berate me, and that’s when I made a mistake. I defended myself by stating why I had, so to speak, the right of way, but that just made her more angry. She continued to attack me verbally.

In hindsight, the whole exchange was ridiculous. We were the only two people in line, and now the tellers raised their eyebrows at us. I’m glad they didn’t call security.

I wish I had said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cut you off.“ But even though it was such a little thing, I felt triggered. My rational brain had momentarily gone offline.

Why Do Little Things Trigger Anger?

There are different but interconnected reasons as to why a little thing might trigger anger:

• From a psychological perspective, you may have adopted aggression as a survival strategy due to early childhood wounds or trauma. As soon as you sense a threat, you respond aggressively.

• From a neuroplastic perspective, you’ve repeated an angry response so often that you’ve created an anger “ route” in your brain. Your fallback response has become anger.

• From a spiritual perspective, you may have a karmic propensity for an anger reaction based on having repeated the same response often. Or, you may have a previous karmic connection with this individual.

In all cases, repeating aggressive behavior strengthens the tendency to respond in kind in the future. Is that what we want?

Probably not, but it’s not easy to change a tendency to anger. And, when I use the word ‘anger,’ I mean all its forms, from heated words to a cold shoulder, from an annoyed look to distant silence.

These propensities are deeply ingrained in our brains. The time between the trigger event and a response from the amygdala, the part of the brain that deals with emotions, can be as little as a quarter of a second.

So, first and foremost, when you lose it, have compassion for yourself.

It won’t help to get angry at yourself, too. Make a vow to change your behavior in the future, but don’t be hard on yourself.

It takes a lot of practice to catch yourself and turn your anger around. But we must do this because chronic anger is not good for our bodies, minds, or spirits.

And look at the havoc it can bring into the world in the form of war.

Chronic Anger Is Bad for Your Health and Happiness

Research studies have linked chronic anger to a variety of physical and mental conditions, including:

• Heart Disease

• High Blood Pressure

• Strokes

• Ulcers

• Liver Damage

• Kidney Damage

• Depression

• Anxiety

Anger is not the sole cause of these conditions, but it can be a contributing factor.

Consider how we describe the impact of anger in the English language:

• Seeing red

• Blood boiling

• Burning with anger

• Hot under the collar

• A slow burn

• Blow off steam

• Bent out of shape

Our language has developed this way because we intuitively know repeated anger is not good for us, right?

Research shows that anger and happiness cannot coexist simultaneously. No one feels happy when they’re angry. Don’t you agree?

A Better Way to Deal with Anger

There are many ways to deal with anger, like counting to ten before you respond. By the time you’re done, your rational brain will likely have come back online and stopped you from escalating an angry exchange.

I want to suggest another idea embodied in this quote from Morihei Ueshiba, the founder of the martial art, Aikido.

“When someone comes to you angrily, greeting them with a smile. This is the highest kind of martial art.”—Morihei Ueshiba

An Aikido master attempts to unbalance an assailant. What better way to neutralize the energy of anger than by responding with an unexpected smile? What better way to create harmony than to join with a person rather than oppose them?

What if I had smiled and said, “I’m sorry,” to the lady in the bank? Such a gesture would probably have disarmed her entirely. She would have had no further ammunition with which to continue her attack.

While we both might have felt slightly distressed given what had already occurred, the angry feelings would not have escalated, causing even more harm.

Of course, we need to use common sense when applying Morihei Ueshiba’s advice. You wouldn’t smile mockingly but with gentleness. And if you live with an abusive partner, you don’t smile when he aggressively comes at you; you run or call for help.

But in many situations, flashing a heartfelt smile might be the perfect way to de-escalate an angry exchange.

I regret my response to the lady in the bank. Maybe she was having a bad day. But I know I’m not perfect, and I forgive myself.

I aspire not to react with anger in the future. In angry situations, I hope this quote from Morihei Ueshiba will arise in my mind and remind me that a smile would be a far better response.

Points to Remember

I hope you’ll remember my story the next time someone comes at you with anger. Here are the main things you can do:

1. Smile if you can. Apologize if you can. Do what you can to join with the person rather than oppose them with force.

2. If you respond with anger, catch yourself as soon as possible. Forgive yourself for making the mistake. Aspire to do better in the future.

Anger is a powerful force, but we can learn to turn it around with practice and determination. Follow these two suggestions and contribute to a little more peace on earth.

We’ll all smile at that!

This article is part of my bi-weekly Friday Flashback series, which features “best of” articles from my archive. It was initially published on Medium.

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