Connection: A Powerful Way to Ease Stress

Be sure to consider these provisos for the best results

Photo by Adrienn from Pexels

I sat in a small, underground room illuminated by fluorescent bulbs. The air reeked of an old-fashioned perfume, probably piped throughout the large building. This scent and the hot pink doors on the toilets next door momentarily transported me to an earlier era.

The presenter began his introduction to Organic Intelligence, a leading-edge, body-based therapy for trauma.

He shuffled through slides, clicking his hand-held control, as he ambled across the front of the room, explaining how the human nervous system was designed for the reality of the hunter-gatherer period, not for our speedy, complex, and uncertain modern world.

Stress and Your Nervous System

Although stress and trauma are different, they both activate the autonomic nervous system's “fight, flight or freeze” response. Chronic stress can even evolve into trauma, according to nervous system expert Irene Lyon, MSc.

De-regulation occurs when the autonomic nervous system gets stuck in over-activation or under-activation for extended periods.

In our chaotic modern times, it behooves us all to know how to bring our nervous system back into balance after it’s been hijacked by stress or trauma.

I’ve experienced multiple shock traumas and chronic stress from a decade-plus of workaholism. I haven’t recovered entirely, but I have learned to regulate my nervous system, so I feel more at ease.

Let me share what I’ve learned as I sat in that old-fangled ambiance.

What Are the Signs of Nervous System Dysregulation?

Is your nervous system dysregulated? Let’s take a look at the signs of dysregulation.

When your nervous system is regulated, you can respond appropriately to perceived danger. Your body and brain act, releasing stress chemicals and slowing down systems like digestion to provide the extra energy you need to fight, flee, or freeze.

Once the threat has passed, your body returns to biological homeostasis, meaning “normal.”

But you can get stuck in that flight, fight, or freeze response, given the constant stress many people experience daily.

According to experts from the Trauma Resource Institute, that means too much nervous system over-activation or under-activation.

In the high zone of over-activation, you may find yourself:

• Hypervigilant

• On edge

• Anxious

• Panicked

• Angry or Irritable

• Breathing more rapidly

• With a fast heartbeat and increasing blood pressure

• Sweating

In the low zone, you may find yourself feeling:

• Disconnected

• Depressed

• Numbed Out

• Isolated

• Hopeless

• Fatigued

You may not experience these signs constantly, but they may present for extended periods or occur in blasts when triggered.

Some of these signs signal a wide range of conditions, so they may or may not indicate nervous system dysregulation. But if you’re constantly under the thumb of stress or past traumatic experiences, they may be connected.

There are many practical ways to regulate the nervous system and return to your resilience zone. But today, instead of going through a long list of methods, let’s look at one of the most powerful ways to balance your nervous system and build your resilience to stress.

“The ability to return to regulation is the essence of resilience.” — Deb Dana, LCSW

The Healing Power of Connection

During the hunter-gatherer period, people lived in small tribes surrounded by nature. They enjoyed regular social engagement through storytelling, singing, dancing, and ceremonies. They followed the rhythms of nature, rising with the sunrise and resting with the sunset.

Even though our ancestors sometimes faced danger, these social and environmental factors supported nervous system regulation.

Now, in modern times, those natural factors elude many of us.

During the lecture break, I wandered upstairs and outdoors, where I could breathe freely on this sultry, cloud-covered night. Tears tricked from the edges of my eyes. For a moment, I spontaneously grieved for the loss of these earlier times when connection with others and the natural world mattered and came first.

Our nervous system is wired for connection, defined as the subjective experience of feeling a sense of belonging and connectedness with others. As pet lovers know, others can include animals.

“Connection is a wired in biological necessity; isolation, or even the perception of social separateness, leads to a compromised ability to regulate our autonomic states and impacts our physical and emotional well-being (Porges & Furman, 2011).”—Deb Dana, LCSW

In her book, Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection, Deb Dana, LCSW, details extensive trauma research showing how humans can regulate the autonomic nervous system through face-to-face interactions.

Many scientific studies have illustrated the importance of social support for building resilience to stress.

But for connection to work in this manner, it must be engaged in wisely.

“If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships.” — Franklin D. Roosevelt

How to Connect Wisely

We often fail to reach out to others when we feel stressed. Maybe we feel overwhelmed, fatigued, or snarky. So we hide under the covers, distract ourselves with Netflix, or grab our numbing substance of choice.

Ironically, in those moments, connection may be the medicine we need to reduce stress and build resilience.

But there are a few provisos to consider.

To effectively “co-regulate” through connection, you must know yourself and your needs, what works for your nervous system, and feel safe and connected to your chosen individual or group.

To build more connection into your life and receive its benefits, consider these three questions:

1. Who are the people with whom you feel a nurturing connection?

2. What activities do you engage in with others that make you feel connected?

3. How often do you want to connect with people in your network?

There isn’t a right or wrong answer to these questions. For example, an introvert will respond differently than an extrovert. That’s how it should be.

The key is to design a connection plan that nurtures rather than depletes your nervous system. You can use whatever configuration works for you and mix in-person connections with video chats, phone calls, and emails.

If you’re grappling with trauma or feel overwhelmed by stress, start small with tiny doses of connection that feel safe and nurturing. Build from there.

I’m an introvert. Too much interaction and the wrong kinds stress me out. But I meet weekly with my two closest friends. We share private updates and discuss personal and spiritual growth topics.

No matter how stressed I am when I arrive, I always feel relaxed when I leave. I’ve seen the power of connection in action by observing how my body responds positively to these regular meet-ups.

“There is more wisdom in your body than in your deepest philosophy.” — Nietzsche

Closing Thoughts

Our ancestors lived in tribes and enjoyed the social engagement benefits of storytelling, singing, dancing, and ceremonies.

Now, a large body of scientific evidence supports the wisdom of social engagement. It has shown how connection is a powerful way to regulate the nervous system, reduce stress and trauma, and build resilience.

However, to effectively co-regulate with others, you must know your needs and what nurtures your nervous system and choose people with whom you feel safe and connected.

Ready to engage and reap the life-affirming benefits of connection?

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