Cultivate a Simple Sincerity
It will allow more ease and flow into your life
Aloha Lovelies,
I pulled the phrase “a simple sincerity” from Adyashanti’s book, The End of Your World, Straight Talk on the Nature of Enlightenment. This phrase struck me deeply. A simple sincerity is what I aspire to in my life.
And interestingly, the phrase also struck my co-reading friends in the same way. Maybe it represents an ease and sanity we all long for, knowingly or unknowingly.
When I’m able to cut through all the superficial layers of anger, shame, or fear (or another emotion) and communicate with simple sincerity, so much tension dissolves. Doing so creates a better chance both parties will feel respected and be more willing to find a mutually agreeable solution.
It doesn’t always work that way.
Some people won’t respond well to simple sincerity because they have their own agenda, expectations, or emotional sore spots. But at least for me, it often works far better than raging or stuffing.
A few months ago, I had a streak of anger triggering episodes.
One involved a celebrated writer who refused a refund request made within 24 hours of course enrollment and payment. After looking at the course as opposed to just the sales page, I realized it was not for me. But insisted it was. I felt angry and frustrated. A hefty amount of money was involved.
The other difficult interaction involved a health care provider who didn’t like the diagnosis I was given by another healthcare provider and adamantly argued against it. Just the headache I didn’t need, since the second diagnosis was spot on.
Till then, I had felt a warm connection with health care provider number one. Our six-session contract was near its natural end. Now our connection would end on a sour note. Ugh!
After years of emotional work, I have come to understand that anger (or any emotion) is a sign of unresolved issues within me. It doesn’t automatically mean the other person is right or wrong. And getting into right and wrong battles has never served me well.
I don’t think it’s wrong to respond with healthy anger if you use “I statements” and don’t project blame onto the other person. But in this case, I knew it would be more useful if I examined the anger trigger on my own, and respond instead to each person with simple sincerity.
Beaten down by this writer’s insistence I do the course, I acquiesced. But a month later, when the course began, I didn’t have the energy to engage. And resentment rose up once again. I felt forced to take the course against my wishes.
I approached the writer again with a simple and sincere message, devoid of blame. He didn’t respond, “Sure,” with a smile. But after a few email go-arounds, he agreed to refund the course payment.
Using a similar approach, I was able to come to a positive conclusion with my healthcare provider. She admitted to having missed an important component in my diagnosis, which had meant her approach was causing more symptoms rather than less.
I didn’t just “make nice” in those communications. I said some difficult things, but I tried to say then without blame or projection.
While formulating my response, I also tried to put myself in the other person’s shoes. “Why is he so worried about the money,” I thought. Or, “It must be hard for her to have gotten my diagnosis wrong.” Doing this infused more compassion into the exchange.
I also realized I may not get the outcome I desired and that would be okay too. Maybe I wouldn’t get that wad of bills back. Maybe there would be no happy ending with my health care provider. We can’t control other people—never have and never will. We can only do our part of communicating, as best we can, with simple sincerity.
I’m not a perfect communicator by any means. These were email communications, which made it easier, at least for me, to take my time, think through what’s true for me, and consider what I really want to communicate.
A while back, I would have respond impulsively with anger to similar e-mails and escalated the discord. But now, I almost always let a triggering e-mail sit for a while until I’ve processed the triggered emotions and can respond from greater clarity.
Admittedly, this is harder to do when a communication takes place in person.
But interestingly that happened around the same time with one of my closest friends. We suddenly had differing views about an as aspect of spirituality. It was hard. I could feel my desire to be right, which gave me a wonderful opportunity to see where I get stuck and where I could let go.
She and I rarely have this kind of discord. But I could feel the emotional residue that remained in my body after the interaction, and wondered if it would stay there indefinitely. We successfully process through this communication fallout over the next week. All the bits of emotional debris dissolved.
I believe this was possible because in our hearts we’re committed to one another and committed to this sense of simple sincerity.
Not every emotional knot can be untied, however. Sometimes, there will be a parting of the ways. We may not want that at first, but sometimes the universe is showing you it’s time to move on.
But still, you can sustain your connections, for as long as they are meant to be, when you practice the art of simple sincerity. Doing so can help reduce tension and bring more ease into your life and relationships.
Take a moment to reflect on the quality of your communication. Are there places you hold back due to fear or places you lash out on impulse? Consider what “simple sincerity” would look like in those situations.
What is true for you?
What would you really like to say?
How can you say it honestly but without projection or blame?
If this seems hard for you, start with small steps.
For example, if someone asks where you want to eat, do you tell the truth? Or do you acquiesce to their wishes? Or pounce on them because they always want their way? What would simple sincerity look like in this situation?
Whether you want to awaken spiritually or simply have a better life, simple sincerity can be a valuable attribute to develop on your path.
What do you think about simple sincerity? I would love to hear your thoughts. Please share in the comments.
[Photo by George Milton]
My Articles
Following you’ll find “friend” links to my articles on Medium. I haven’t been writing much lately so this time, in addition to the three relatively recent articles, I’ll share a few of my best articles on the topic of stress.
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Enjoy!
A few favorites on stress relief:
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Until Next Time
So it wasn’t a head cold that kept me apart from you last time. It was a flu. The first two days were the worst. I slept almost 24-7. After that, my energy came back but the flu moved to my lungs and manifested as a cough.
All in all, I took it easy for a full week. I have a lingering, occasional cough, but I’m slowing getting back to my normal.
I didn’t love being sick. But I appreciated the opportunity to do next to nothing for a full week. I want to do that more - just simply be and appreciate the moment.
I find myself less inclined to write articles so there may be a gap for a while. But I’ll keep sending you these missives every other week. Thank you for reading them. That means a lot to me.
Until next time, stay safe, be happy, and practice simple sincerity. Sending you all my love and best wishes.
xo Sandra
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I like this term. You sharing your instances and observations actually came at a good time for me to read today. I’ve been melancholy as of lately with a few relationship problems with a few friends; this has helped me to sort through those feelings, that I refer to as brain clutter. Thanks for sharing.
This really resonated with me, thank you for sharing it. I teach communication at a community college and we often talk about "dialogic communication" that is partly listening and partly speaking in ways that encourages listening. Easier said than done! Simple sincerity sounds very much like true dialogue. I often ask myself (if I can think this clearly in the moment!): What is needed right now? Sometimes it is listening, sometimes it is sharing a story, sometimes it's just a hand on a hand. It must be sincere, must be genuine and must be completely present! It's also what I strive for in my life and in my relationships.