What Deep Self-Care Really Looks Like (And Why It Matters)

Don’t let self-care be a band-aid that never makes a lasting difference

Photo by Siobhan Dolezal on Pexels

Do you associate self-care with physical activities like a restorative nap, a soothing bath, or time in nature? Maybe, to you, self-care means buying something nice for yourself, or pulling out a coloring book to reduce stress.

Physical self-care is essential. If you’ve established a healthy body care routine, be proud of yourself. It takes self-love, self-respect, and determination to do so.

However, if you never take the time to look deeply within, physical self-care can be like a band-aid that falls off after a few days before your wound has had a chance to heal. It doesn’t necessarily reverse unhealthy beliefs, debilitating thoughts, and disabling emotions.

Your healthy routine might even fall away when your inner critic gets the best of you.

A comprehensive approach to self-care must also include methods to heal your wounds, foster a growing sense of positive self-esteem, and encourage you to express your unique voice.

I call this deep self-care.

It may not feel as fun and sexy to face your wounds, traumas, confusions, and inconsistencies as it does to buy a new dress. But when you take time for deep self-care, you gradually feel lighter, shine brighter, and allow more goodness into your life.

Physical self-care also comes more easily, as you already feel comfortable in your own skin.

If you’d like to experience real change in your life, consider where you’re at with the following five deep practices of self-care and how you can take them further.

1. Self-Responsibility

As long as you blame others for whatever occurs in your life and for your internal feelings about what has happened, you remain a victim.

It’s challenging to feel in control and empowered to move around the chess pieces and configure a new game from a place of victimhood. Even if you’re able to change the circumstances, you may unconsciously repeat the same patterns.

“If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.”—Richard Bach

Does everything happen for a reason?

I don’t know. But I do know we can use whatever occurs as a vehicle for personal and spiritual growth. That doesn’t immediately banish anger, pain, hurt, or sadness. But if you’re able to own your emotions instead of projecting them outward, you’ve empowered yourself and taken a big step forward.

That doesn’t mean your emotions are never justified. After all, we don’t live in a vacuum; our actions have an impact on one another. But it won’t serve you to amplify negative emotions. Nor is it helpful to suppress them. Let them arise, feel them, be aware of them, but don’t allow them to catch you in their insidious net of distress.

Reflections

• On a scale of 1–10, how responsible are you for yourself, your thoughts, emotions, words, and actions?

• What are three steps you can take this month to expand your sense of self-responsibility?

2. Authenticity

Authenticity may not feel comfortable at first, so take a gentle step forward. You can only be as authentic with others as you are with yourself.

If you’re hiding yourself in some way, think of one small step you can take to be more honest with yourself and others. It doesn’t have to be grandiose at first. It could be as simple as saying what you would honestly like for dinner, the movie you prefer, or no to a particular event invitation.

Authenticity is a nuanced and layered process because so much is hidden from our conscious mind. You can’t tell all because you don’t know all. As you peel away negative or limiting beliefs, you’ll gradually be able to be more authentic.

“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.” — Brené Brown

Sometimes, I find it challenging to be authentic because I’m confused. I don’t know what I want or what I truly feel. My emotions seem to shift day by day, as circumstances unfold.

When this is the case, I try to wait patiently for clarity to emerge. It might take minutes, hours, or even weeks, but you’ll feel stronger when you can speak or act from a place of coherence.

When I dare to be authentic, things almost always work out better for everyone involved. By authentic, I don’t mean insensitive or brutally honest. Usually, there’s a graceful way to frame what I wish to say if I take a moment to pause and reflect.

Reflections

• Are there any areas of your life right now where you are trading your authenticity for safety, or what appears to be safety?

• What holds you back from being more authentic?

• Think of a concrete situation and how you could express yourself more authentically within it.

Photo by Siobhan Dolezal from Pexels

3. Time for Yourself

You need time for inner explorations, self-discovery, and relaxation if you want to blossom into your most authentic self. However, we often prioritize our commitments to others over our commitment to ourselves due to a need to please or be accepted.

That might work sometimes, but frequently it backfires.

You might get so caught up in acting on what you believe to be the expectations of others that you burn yourself out. Or you might end up feeling resentful instead of loved and accepted.

Sometimes, we fail to make time for ourselves because we’re afraid to look within.

You may wonder:

• What will you find?

• Can you endure the pain?

• Can you handle it?

• Will looking within truly make a difference, or is it better to leave the proverbial sleeping dogs at rest?

Admitting your wounds can be painful, for sure. Let’s not pretend otherwise. But let’s remember this:

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” — Rumi

When you look at your wounds with curiosity, love, and self-compassion, the pain will subside over time as your self-esteem and self-confidence grow. Eventually, you’ll free yourself from the pain.

And don’t forget to leave time for fun, relaxation, and enjoyment too.

Reflections

• Are you making time for yourself?

• How much time do you need for yourself each week?

• If you’re not making time for your personal growth, what beliefs are holding you back?

4. Reject Negative Beliefs and Self-Talk

Many of us acquired limiting beliefs about ourselves or how the world works as children. As self-defeating as it may be, we continue to act out of those limiting beliefs because they have been thoroughly installed in our brains through repetition.

More often than not, limiting beliefs lead to unhappiness.

Unhealthy thinking comes in endless variations. Here are just a few to give you an idea:

• No one loves me.

• I have to be perfect.

• If I do the wrong thing, I’ll get in trouble.

• If I’m successful, I’ll be loved and accepted.

• I can’t do anything right.

These are the kinds of beliefs that dominated my life for decades. But these restrictive thoughts aren’t necessarily true. Isn’t it absurd to have your life ruled by false beliefs?

But still, we shouldn’t blame ourselves. Self-kindness will help you bloom far more than harshness.

When you feel ready, start questioning the validity of limiting beliefs. When you begin to examine your false beliefs, you may have an “aha” moment in which you fully realize the nonsense you’ve been feeding yourself.

“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love”— Brene Brown

One way to deal with limiting thoughts is to replace them with more positive and accurate ones. Every time the limiting thought comes to mind, pause, take a breath, and replace it with a kinder one.

Try “I Am” affirmations, which go to the core of our false beliefs about ourselves. This may sound tedious, but it can become fun when you decide you no longer want your life to be ruled by rubbish.

• Make a list of 1–3 limiting beliefs that impact your life in undesirable ways.

• If you wish, you can explore the origin of each belief in your journal.

• Ask yourself, “Is this belief true for me now?”

• Finally, make a list of positive counterbalancing beliefs or affirmations to address each one.

• Then, whenever the limiting belief comes to mind, replace it with a kinder one.

Since you’ve already repeated the negative thought thousands of times, you’ll need to repeat the positive one regularly to change the grooves in your brain.

It takes dedication, but you can do this. It can make a big difference in your life.

5. Boundary Setting

You need personal boundaries to protect yourself and create a meaningful and satisfying life. Boundaries enhance your sense of safety, inner peace, and well-being. They support self-confidence, self-expression, and positive relationships. Boundaries are essential for achieving your full potential and staying on track with your life's purpose.

You can think of a boundary as a line you create that separates you from other people, places, or things that are not in your best interest, including your inner critic and the unrealistic demands you place on yourself.

The individual, situation, or thing is not necessarily “bad.” But it’s not a good fit for you.

Without healthy boundaries, you may be easily manipulated, controlled, victimized, discounted, or drawn off track from your life purpose.

If you’re not accustomed to setting boundaries, it may feel impossible at first. Setting boundaries felt very difficult for me, but it got easier with each execution.

Initially, I wrote a script and rehearsed it in advance.

For example, I wanted to stop working with an acupuncturist because I didn’t enjoy his treatments. But I felt afraid and obligated to finish our prescribed number of sessions. Instead of blaming the acupuncturist, I told him I had received what I needed and wouldn’t be continuing.

“No” is a complete sentence.” — Anne Lamott

The key to setting boundaries is to keep it simple. You don’t need to explain yourself or make the other person wrong, either of which can make for a more complicated or tense interaction. One clear sentence communicated with confidence will get the job done.

Reflections

• On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your ability to set boundaries?

• What’s behind your hesitancy to set boundaries in general or in a particular situation?

Think of one boundary you would like to set, write a script for how you will communicate it, and put it into action this week.

If you’re not sure where you’re at with boundaries, read: 11 Signs You Need to Strengthen Your Boundaries. Now.

Balance Deep Self-Care with Ease

Balance deep self-care with physical self-care, mental stimulation, and spiritual inspiration, so you don’t become too inwardly obsessed. Deep self-care may bring up pain at times, so also support yourself with connection, relaxation, and healthy pleasures.

Don’t forget to love yourself throughout the process of real change and appreciate the courage you have.

We may never reach an endpoint when it comes to deep self-care, because there’s always more potential for personal and spiritual growth. We will, however, feel happier, more confident, and more at ease.

How good is that?

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