Do You Know Your Most Important Needs or Wants?
Get back to who you really are after a confusing or unhealthy relationship
Have you become so immersed in a relationship with another person—a spouse, lover, friend, boss, or spiritual teacher—that you've lost sight of yourself? If so, you’ve probably lost sight of your needs and wants.
You may have been in a codependent relationship as the helper, a narcissistic relationship as the victim, or a family relationship trying to meet parental expectations. Or maybe you’re still in a relatively good relationship but tend to compromise more than your partner.
You can recover from a toxic or unhealthy relationship and never enter another one again. One of the first steps to recovery is learning to articulate your needs and wants.
Why is this important? Without consciously engaging in a healing process, re-establishing your identity, and reclaiming your power, you’re in danger of repeating the cycle and entering another damaging relationship.
So, let’s get to know your needs and wants.
What Is a Want? What Is a Need?
So, what is a want? What is a need?
According to the online Meriam-Webster Dictionary:
A need is “a physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism.”
To want is to “to have a strong desire for.”
A need is a requirement; it’s essential to your health and well-being.
A desire may also be fundamental to your well-being, but it can sometimes be fulfilled in alternative ways. Or, you can consciously choose to focus on a different desire.
The problem comes when you abandon your needs and desires in a relationship.
For example, if you always put others first, you may have given up your need for rest or time for exercise, which can have a detrimental effect in the short and long run.
Or, you may have given up your desire to pursue your profession because your partner told you he wanted you to stay home. Or maybe he said you’re not good enough to achieve success.
This kind of sacrifice can eat at your soul.
How to Get Back to You
Making a list of your needs and wants is a simple exercise that will help you reconnect with who you really are.
Use two different pieces of paper or draw two columns on a single sheet and label the first “needs” and the second “wants.”
You could approach this exercise in brain dump style and list whatever comes to your mind in one go and in no particular order. When you feel complete, set the lists aside but leave them in an accessible place. Continue to add to your lists over the next few days as more needs and wants come to your mind.
Alternatively, you could do this exercise using categories like physical, mental/intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. Use the categories I’ve listed, or create a set of categories that resonate for you.
For example, here’s a short list of needs based on the categories mentioned above. It’s not exhaustive because I want to give you space to come up with your own needs and wants.
Remember, there are no right or wrong answers. You’re doing this exercise to understand yourself, not to meet another person’s expectations. So be utterly honest with yourself.
Physical Needs
Rest
Hydration
Safety
Soothing when stressed (self-soothing counts)
Mental/Intellectual Needs
Intellectual stimulation
Peace and space
Emotional Needs
Healthy Connection
Beauty
Respect (self-respect + respect from others)
Spiritual Needs
Quiet time
Self-Awareness
Learning
Repeat this exercise for your wants.
Going Deeper Into Your Needs and Wants
Once you’ve completed your lists, here are six additional questions for reflection or journaling that will help you better understand yourself.
How did it feel to list your wants and needs?
Acknowledge the needs and wants you already honor and fulfill by placing a symbol next to them, like a star or a bright dot.
Acknowledge the needs and wants you neglect by placing a symbol next to them, such as a different-colored dot or a dash. This can serve as a reminder to return to and address them.
What would you like to do next about your needs and desires? Begin with small steps, then move on to bigger ones as you gain more confidence.
If you’re still in the relationship, how would you feel talking to your partner, parent, or boss about one or more of your unmet needs or wants? Is it realistic to expect your needs and wants will be met in this relationship? Answering this question can tell you a lot about the health and safety of a particular relationship.
What causes you to abandon yourself in a relationship? Why and how do you give yourself away? What steps can you take to change that?
If you don’t know all your needs and wants right away, that’s okay. Give yourself time. Be gentle and kind to yourself.
Denying your needs and wants may have become a deeply embedded habit. So ask yourself several times daily, “What do I need right now? What do I want right now?” Learning to connect with your needs and wants will become easier with practice.
The initial purpose of these lists is to help you reconnect with your needs and wants. The point isn’t to immediately share it with your partner, friend, or family member. Instead, find small ways to begin to express your needs and wants. With time, you’ll gain confidence and be able to express your most essential needs and wants as well.
But never put yourself in a dangerous situation or talk to your partner or the person in question if it might result in ridicule, humiliation, or physical harm.
Healthy Compromise or Self-Abandonment?
We all make compromises in relationships. When does healthy compromise turn into unhealthy self-abandonment? Sometimes, it can be hard to know.
But if you’re constantly abandoning parts of yourself to meet someone else’s expectations or to avoid their judgment, criticism, ridicule, or even physical abuse, you’ve crossed a line. If you’re constantly making excuses for someone, hoping they’ll change when they haven’t so far, it’s time to realize you’re living in a fantasy, not reality.
Remember, no one can make you abandon yourself. If you want to live a happier and healthier life, you need to acknowledge, heal, and change this pattern in yourself. It’s possible to reclaim yourself, but it’s up to you to begin. A great place to start is by getting in touch with your needs and wants.
To Sum Up
It’s not uncommon for women to abandon themselves in a relationship, but sometimes men do as well. Please don’t hate yourself for it. Instead, get back to who you really are by getting in touch with your needs and wants.
If you’ve abandoned yourself in an unhealthy relationship, you’ve probably lost sight of your needs and wants.
Getting in touch with your needs and wants will help you recover.
Brainstorm a list of your needs and wants. Use the questions listed above to journal about them.
Begin to express and act on your needs and wants in small ways. As you gain more confidence, you’ll be ready to express your most essential needs and wants.
Everyone deserves to have their needs and wants fulfilled, including you!
Invest in yourself. Join 4,000+ beautiful souls and become a paid or free subscriber. You’ll receive regular caring advice on calming your mind, healing your heart, and connecting with your inner wisdom.
P.S. P.S. If you’re a stationery lover, like me, or just need a new notebook, please check out my first collection of composition notebooks. Each design is meant to spark a little joy every time you pick it up.
Such an important topic! I’m in a healthy relationship but shortly after marriage I found myself abandoning some of my wants and needs to fit into the mold of how I thought a ‘good wife,” should act. It was a difficult journey to unravel that, and in some ways I think it’s a lifelong one! I can also see how powerful it could be to ask some of these questions in terms of my relationship with different aspects of my life, especially work since I tend to overwork and lose balance in that area. Thanks for this beautiful guide to direct my inner work!
This is a valuable post and exercise, Sandra. When I work with a client that is one of the first things we discuss - needs, wants and values. It's no longer surprising to me how often it's difficult for my clients to articulate their needs. This is such an important message, especially in the time we're living in.
And, happy birthday to you!