Aloha Lovelies,
I’ve been reflecting on my own shortcomings in relationships.
I know how to have fun, don’t I?
Here are a few insights that arose for me.
Look Within
For the longest time, I went by the silent creed, “I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong with me.” Therefore, I didn’t have to pay too much attention to my own emotional baggage. I could be the victim and feel wronged instead.
This wasn’t arrogance, but a self-protective mechanism that no doubt came about early in life.
Usually, these kinds of patterns are unconscious. So, they continue and continue. But they have downsides, don’t they? They don’t necessarily bring us happiness.
Because…
If you’re re not willing to look within and take responsibility, you’ll only repeat the same patterns in future relationships.
These patterns may be most intense in a romantic relationship but they impact all our relationships to some degree.
Most importantly, at least from my perspective at this stage of my life, staying entrenched in our patterns keep us in reactive mode and thus becomes an obstacle to one’s spiritual evolution.
Ultimately, we have to take responsibility for our thoughts, words, and actions if we want to grow personally, become more spiritually attuned, and find more peace and happiness in our life.
All of them.
But it isn’t easy, at least not for me. A part of me finds it hard to let go of past hurts and the resulting pain. This might be especially true of Type Fours on the Enneagram. We especially identify with suffering and long for what was or might have in the future. But we can learn to move past this too.
The Enneagram is one tool that has helped me understand how we all have very different personality orientations. I have had an automatic expectation that a partner will think exactly like me and thus respond to me in ways that I desire. But that’s based on the false notion that we’re all like peas in a pod. When in fact, we can be as different as night and day.
How often do we get mad at people because they don’t act according to our expectations?
If you don’t know the Enneagram, it’s an intricate system of nine personality types. But each of the nine has three sub-types. There are really 27 as well as additional factors that influence us.
The Enneagram has helped me understand myself better than any other tool I’ve come across. It’s been like turning on a light bulb, illuminating me—my weaknesses, my strengths, and my potential. It’s enabled me to watch for my shortcomings and choose better ways.
And, as intimated above, the Enneagram helps me put myself in another person’s shoes. It helps me see how behaviors so foreign to me are normal for them. As a result, I don’t have to take everything so personally. It provides a bridge to better communication.
My favorite book on the topic is The Complete Enneagram, 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge (affiliate link).
Learn Effective Communication Skills
I also haven’t been the best communicator for a good chunk of my life. I can be highly emotional and reactive. When things get heated, I have fallen into the use of “you” statements and countless other sins which tend to disintegrate conversations not enhance it.
Happily, I’ve learned better communication skills in my Women Within support group, which I enumerated in a recent article (see the link below).
Most of us need to take the time to learn how to communicate effectively if we want to have healthier and happier relationships.
Get to Know Your Shadow Self
The other area I’ve been exploring is the shadow self. It’s a huge topic and I can only say a few words about it here.
The shadow represents the hidden parts of our self, ones that usually evoke embarrassment or shame. It could be anger, greed, addictions, or other aspects that we normally consider to be flaws. The shadow is often associated with darker qualities, but we can also cut ourselves off from positive qualities too.
We tend to project our shadow aspects on others, which is one way we can recognize these unconscious aspects. If you feel annoyed or outraged by someone’s behavior, use it as an opportunity to look within.
For example, I recently felt gaslighted. Since this has happened repeatedly with this particular person, I unfriended them on social media. You don’t need to be a doormat for someone else’s aggression.
But the experience riled me. So I also took a moment to look within.
I consider myself a “good” person. I would never gaslight someone else, right? But when I looked into my past, I did indeed recall situations in which I had denied another person’s experience of reality, one aspect of gaslighting. I journaled about these memories in detail and took personal responsibility for having done this in the past.
It’s challenging to look at and accept our darker aspects, but it can lead to greater healing and wholeness.
None of this is easy work, at least not for me. I haven’t suddenly gotten over the pull to blame someone else every single time. Some of the hurts and wounds have been so profound and so deep, I wonder if I’ll ever fully get over them.
But sometimes, I can refrain from my less desirable emotional reactions. I have made progress. This is worthwhile and important emotional work even if it takes a lifetime.
This emotional work is one aspect of what it means to be a spiritual person – to take full responsibility for my own part in relationships. It also means having the compassion to understand that people hurt because they’re hurting.
I’m not completely there yet, but I’m walking in this direction.
Reflections for You
If something is not going well in one of your relationships, what is your part? What can you own about it?
Name one communication mistake you frequently make and resolve to work on it.
What are some of the well-hidden parts of you that might give rise to shame or embarrassment? Or what’s something that annoys you about another person? Do you see it reflected in yourself?
My Latest Articles
Here are friend links to my best recent articles. You can read them for free without becoming a Medium member. Enjoy!
Personal Growth
Spiritual Development
This Is the Best Way to Spend Your Retirement (Unconventional Advice from the Yoga Sutras)
6 Eckhart Tolle Quotes That Will Help You Realize the Power of Now
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Aloha for Now!
October has arrived and along with it overcast skies and rainy days. A perfect time for looking inward.
Thank you for reading!
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Until next time, stay safe, be happy. Sending you all my love and best wishes.
xo Sandra
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