Aloha Lovelies,
Last month, I went through a series of standard eye tests, moving from machine to machine, prior to a consult with an eye surgeon. In the middle of testing, which had been going well, a second technician came into the room and insisted on taking over.
The second technician was unable to get a reading during the pressure test. She hit my right eye five times with a puff to no avail. At this point, I said, “That’s enough. Let’s try the left eye.” She didn’t like that but she complied.
But no success with the left eye either.
She spoke to me in a condescending way, like some people would speak to a child. She blamed me for not being able to get a reading and told me, “The doctor needs these readings, dear.” Like, I didn’t know that?
She decided to try a small hand held device. She asked me to stand up facing her. She moved her body very close to mine, almost inserting one of legs between mine, aiming the device at my eye.
Needless to say, having a complete stranger attempting to interlock her body with mine and place a device perilously close to my eye, did not feel safe, especially considering her previous performance.
I didn’t trust her. It wasn’t a conscious decision, it was a gut instinct.
Witnessing my distress, the original technician came to the rescue. She took me into another room, asked me to sit in a chair, and performed the reading with the hand held device. She approach my eye from the side to make it feel less like a head-on attack from a crazed stranger.
I intuitively trusted her so the process was easy.
The technician, she confided, needs to adjust the large machine to the correct level in order to get an accurate reading. In other words, it wasn’t my fault the second technician had failed to get a reading.
This might seem like much ado about nothing. But I think it illustrates how important trust is in all our relationships, from passing ones likes this one with technician two to more lasting ones with our closest family and friends.
Without trust, relationships become difficult. We don’t feel safe. While we might not allow ourselves to acknowledge the truth of the situation, we become reluctant to express our authentic self.
Safety is especially important in our relationships right now, when we face so much uncertainty in the world around us.
Who can you trust? How do you decide?
I suggest: Listen to your body. Follow your gut instinct. If that’s hard for you, here’s another approach.
Brené Brown’s “BRAVING” Model
Brené Brown’s “BRAVING” model is another way to evaluate whether a person is trustworthy. She shared it in her book on belonging called Braving the Wilderness, The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone (affiliate link).
Boundaries: “You respect my boundaries, and when you’re not clear about what’s okay and not okay, you ask. You’re willing to say no.”
Reliability: “You do what you say you’ll do. This means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don’t overpromise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities.”
Accountability: “You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends.”
Vault: “You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential.”
Integrity: “You choose courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them.”
Nonjudgment: “I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment.”
Generosity: “You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others.”
The first letter of each word combined together form: BRAVING.
Take a moment now to review your closest relationships in light of this model. Does each one measure up on each quality, at least most of the time?
I’ve found the ability to discern whether another person is trustworthy also depends on my ability to trust myself. Just change the pronoun to see whether you’re acting in a trustworthy manner toward yourself and in relation to others.
“Did I respect my own boundaries? Was I clear about what’s okay and what’s not okay?”
“Was I reliable? Did I do what I said I was going to do?”
“Did I hold myself accountable?”
“Did I respect the vault and share appropriately?”
“Did I act from my integrity?”
“Did I ask for what I needed? Was I nonjudgmental about needing help?”
“Was I generous towards myself?”
Take a moment to assess your own level of trustworthiness. Don’t be hard on yourself if you’re not perfect. We’re all a work in progress, aren’t we?
I was proud I set a boundary with technician two when I said “no more” for the right eye. But I didn’t go all the way. I didn’t refuse to work with her when she was getting too close and fumbling with the handheld device.
Chances are, you’ll get into relationships with people who aren’t trustworthy because most of us learn by trial and error. But decide right now that you deserve to be with people who exhibit the qualities of “BRAVING” and aspire to do so yourself.
[Image: Photo by Zen Chung from Pexels]
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Until Next Time
January brought a small shock my way. If that has happened for you too, my heart is with you. I’m doing all I can to rise up to the challenge and not hide my head under a pillow, at least not for too long!
Courage friends. We may have a chaotic year ahead, but there will be joyful times too, especially if you align with positive qualities like love, compassion, and tolerance.
Thank you for reading!
Until next time, stay safe, be happy, and let your love flow. Sending you all my love and best wishes.
xo Sandra
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I can relate to the eye tests, pressure readings, and less than kind assistants. I now go to a major eye practice at a large and well-known hospital. When I asked when they were going to take my pressure (waiting for the puffer), they indicated they use only Goldman's Applanation. Surprisingly, it is easily done when the eye is examined with the huge exam contraption in every room where you look through and the doc or assistant looks through. I have had quite a few surgeries on both eyes. I pray yours are being well taken care of. Good eye health to both of us! Thank you for your writings. Fondly, Annie C.