This letter was right on time Sandra. Being a “baby boomer”grandparent to “Gen Z and Gen Alpha” children is quite challenging and this was a good reminder for me to accept things without being critical. The Serenity Prayer helps me daily, but this broke it down in a way that allows me to push past the judgement (of them) and seek acceptance (of them) in a way that feels comfortable to me. You know we cannot choose our family. 😞
As always, I appreciate your writing and pray for your health and your medical glitches to cease to exist. Have a wonderful weekend.
Super helpful I have been working on this through management of why I get a judgement it's usually via a fear of something for the other person or outcome. And I am able to scale that back to .. focusing on myself and acceptance of people places things
Sandra, this really made me pause and notice how quickly my mind drifts into critique instead of curiosity. Turning that attention inward feels harder, but also far more freeing in the long run.
Sandra, a good friend, and I were discussing this morning the nuances of the Goddess Saraswati, and what she asks of us: integrity in communication is one of them. We owned up to how sometimes we fall short of the Four Gates of Speech.
Paulette, how wonderful to have a female goddess as a reminder to stay in integrity or move back into it. I love the richness of your tradition. I feel this post is timely, too, in such a divided world. If we can just step back a little more, it could make a big difference.
And, yes, at some point in my life I came to the conclusion that when I was focused on what I didn't like about people:
1. I was stuck in a victim mindset (because I was focused on what people were doing TO me). That I was obsessed with what was pretty much outside my control.
2. That usually what bugged me about others was something that bugged me about myself and it was a much more constructive response to first deal with myself. This was something I did have control over.
I can tell you that I am so much happier and and feel so much more optimistic when I don't obsess over what's wrong with others. I'm not saying I don't get disgruntled and resentful. I do. I'm human and I get triggered. But it always feels like such a relief to think, OK, what should I be dealing with?
It can feel kind of good to be the victim and complain about what's out of my control. But it has a way of corroding me internally and leaving me helpless.
And sometimes I can talk to a person. It works when it comes from a place of calm and genuine interest rather than when I'm a seething mass of resentment.
Judy, I deeply appreciate how far you've come working with yourself and the tendencies you've had in the past. You have a wonderful way of analyzing them and seeing why they're not really helpful, and then moving forward in a better way. Thanks for sharing your insights with us.
Wow !!! How I needed to hear this.... I shamefully experienced this just a couple days ago with my neighbor. ( wasn`t the first time.. nor the 2nd..in fact .. I`ve lost count ) I didn`t agree with something she was trying to do and I blasted her.... then seeing I was on a roll.. continued to hit her with everything else that had been aggravating me about her for the last couple months...( or since the last time I criticized her )
pretty pathetic.... and she sits there and tells me she loves me ...I had to leave -- she should have thrown me out of her house....
I`m pretty sure my soul went to Hell that night....and here I wonder why... I`ve lost the few friends I have left...
Anyhow ..after suffering through another dark night of the soul... I wandered over there the next day to just take the dog for a walk.. ( it had snowed quite a bit overnight and her walker is crap in the snow ) and she was just at the end of her driveway.. already on her way out and she greets me with a smile & a hullo and after our walk invites me for supper..... who does this ???
I am a monster.. is what I am.....I don`t deserve her friendship or anything else she kindly offers .....so if anyone needs to apply this insight to their life... that would be me --
Brenda, I'm glad this piece came at the right moment. I can be easily triggered into anger, so you are not alone. I know the shame that comes along with losing it. I've worked on becoming a more peaceful person for decades, and I'm much better now at resisting the pull of anger. We're not monsters! There may be something about our brain arrangement that makes it more challenging for us. Wishing you the best on your journey towards more peace.
Tx Sandra .... I grew up hating when my Father did it and seems I`ve learned it well ... I just have to get out of there whenever I feel that trigger ...
I learned a worthwhile approach with spiritual implications from a book by a sales trainer. David Sandler recommended that salespeople apply separate judgments to their selves and their performances. You might judge your performance anywhere from a one to a 10 on a given day, but you should always judge yourself as a 10.
At first, the approach struck me as a contrived and shallow way of artificially pumping up self-esteem. Over time, though, I realized that the core of the self, the innermost spirit, of each of us really deserves to be recognized as having infinite value. I still often make the mistake of judging a person by their performance, but at least I know it's a mistake.
Tahm, I like this approach of honoring our inner selves. If we constantly judge ourselves, we will be constantly lost. Knowing there's a part of ourselves beyond judgment lifts us up. If we can also see others this way, we would be on our way to a kinder world! Of course, being human, we will mess this up sometimes, but as you point out, awareness is the first step, and each time we succeed, we've brought a little more peace to the world.
You have offered fantastic suggestions, Sandra! I strongly believe everything you wrote to be true.
My personal struggle is not in judging others, though I am sure slip into that mode now and again. Instead, I too often sit in judgment of myself. I work with those thoughts to release them, but some prove more persistent than others. I'm getting better.
I grew up in a family in which judgment was a default mode of interaction. They judged and derided just about everyone - whether they knew them or not. I came to the understanding ages ago that diminishing others made them feel better about themselves. Of course, they never felt better about themselves. I loved your comment that people judge others so that they do not have to face themselves - shadow and all. It was something that never occurred to me and it was illuminating. I hadn't looked at it as a protection to hide behind. Thank you!
Cathy, thank you for sharing your personal story about criticism and judgment. It's easy for our inner critic to grow way too big when we live in a judgmental family. I'm so sorry it was like that for you, and I'm inspired that you have gained deep insight into your parents' internal state over the years, so you know their judging wasn't about you. Still, I know how difficult it can be to overcome that inner critic completely. I've struggled with that myself. Yet I know you have managed beautifully. I love how you replace judgment with understanding, which shows us a different and much more nourishing way forward for ourselves and others. Deep gratitude for your presence and sharing.
Thank you to both of you for this conversation. I found myself and my own family dynamics reflected in what you've shared. Gosh, I learned so early how to protect by judging/critiquing others. And yes, that inner critic is so loud at times. Given the messages internalized at young ages, how could it not? And I've lately been in a loop where I've been critiquing a couple of specific people... so longing to control something I can't. And in the midst? The inner critic comes loudly. That part so wants something new (something safer), and as long as I travel the same, worn, unhealthy path, nothing new will arise. Sigh... as you suggest, slowing down... watching, noticing, choosing... so essential. I notice that happening as I read your post and this discussion. Sometimes I need an outside mirror to notice the pattern I'm caught in. Thank you.
PJ, I deeply appreciate your self-awareness. I know it's not easy to overcome such deep-seated patterns. But I feel your positive intention, and I trust that you will gradually be able to soften this critical aspect as the days go by. Thanks for connecting and sharing so honestly.
This letter was right on time Sandra. Being a “baby boomer”grandparent to “Gen Z and Gen Alpha” children is quite challenging and this was a good reminder for me to accept things without being critical. The Serenity Prayer helps me daily, but this broke it down in a way that allows me to push past the judgement (of them) and seek acceptance (of them) in a way that feels comfortable to me. You know we cannot choose our family. 😞
As always, I appreciate your writing and pray for your health and your medical glitches to cease to exist. Have a wonderful weekend.
Super helpful I have been working on this through management of why I get a judgement it's usually via a fear of something for the other person or outcome. And I am able to scale that back to .. focusing on myself and acceptance of people places things
LJ, I like how you are going to the core—a wonderful approach. I'm delighted you've found success with this.
Sandra, this really made me pause and notice how quickly my mind drifts into critique instead of curiosity. Turning that attention inward feels harder, but also far more freeing in the long run.
George, it happens so quickly, doesn't it? This one takes a lot of mindfulness and awareness, but as you say, is so freeing on the long run.
Sandra, a good friend, and I were discussing this morning the nuances of the Goddess Saraswati, and what she asks of us: integrity in communication is one of them. We owned up to how sometimes we fall short of the Four Gates of Speech.
Such a great and timely post!
Paulette, how wonderful to have a female goddess as a reminder to stay in integrity or move back into it. I love the richness of your tradition. I feel this post is timely, too, in such a divided world. If we can just step back a little more, it could make a big difference.
Thank you, Sandra. As is the Buddhist tradition. I think it's helpful to have these reminders as well when we need extra support.
I love this idea, Sandra!
And, yes, at some point in my life I came to the conclusion that when I was focused on what I didn't like about people:
1. I was stuck in a victim mindset (because I was focused on what people were doing TO me). That I was obsessed with what was pretty much outside my control.
2. That usually what bugged me about others was something that bugged me about myself and it was a much more constructive response to first deal with myself. This was something I did have control over.
I can tell you that I am so much happier and and feel so much more optimistic when I don't obsess over what's wrong with others. I'm not saying I don't get disgruntled and resentful. I do. I'm human and I get triggered. But it always feels like such a relief to think, OK, what should I be dealing with?
It can feel kind of good to be the victim and complain about what's out of my control. But it has a way of corroding me internally and leaving me helpless.
And sometimes I can talk to a person. It works when it comes from a place of calm and genuine interest rather than when I'm a seething mass of resentment.
Judy, I deeply appreciate how far you've come working with yourself and the tendencies you've had in the past. You have a wonderful way of analyzing them and seeing why they're not really helpful, and then moving forward in a better way. Thanks for sharing your insights with us.
Moving from a victim position to an empowered position has been life changing for me.
Wow !!! How I needed to hear this.... I shamefully experienced this just a couple days ago with my neighbor. ( wasn`t the first time.. nor the 2nd..in fact .. I`ve lost count ) I didn`t agree with something she was trying to do and I blasted her.... then seeing I was on a roll.. continued to hit her with everything else that had been aggravating me about her for the last couple months...( or since the last time I criticized her )
pretty pathetic.... and she sits there and tells me she loves me ...I had to leave -- she should have thrown me out of her house....
I`m pretty sure my soul went to Hell that night....and here I wonder why... I`ve lost the few friends I have left...
Anyhow ..after suffering through another dark night of the soul... I wandered over there the next day to just take the dog for a walk.. ( it had snowed quite a bit overnight and her walker is crap in the snow ) and she was just at the end of her driveway.. already on her way out and she greets me with a smile & a hullo and after our walk invites me for supper..... who does this ???
I am a monster.. is what I am.....I don`t deserve her friendship or anything else she kindly offers .....so if anyone needs to apply this insight to their life... that would be me --
Brenda, I'm glad this piece came at the right moment. I can be easily triggered into anger, so you are not alone. I know the shame that comes along with losing it. I've worked on becoming a more peaceful person for decades, and I'm much better now at resisting the pull of anger. We're not monsters! There may be something about our brain arrangement that makes it more challenging for us. Wishing you the best on your journey towards more peace.
Tx Sandra .... I grew up hating when my Father did it and seems I`ve learned it well ... I just have to get out of there whenever I feel that trigger ...
A wonderful essay. Thank you for sharing.
I learned a worthwhile approach with spiritual implications from a book by a sales trainer. David Sandler recommended that salespeople apply separate judgments to their selves and their performances. You might judge your performance anywhere from a one to a 10 on a given day, but you should always judge yourself as a 10.
At first, the approach struck me as a contrived and shallow way of artificially pumping up self-esteem. Over time, though, I realized that the core of the self, the innermost spirit, of each of us really deserves to be recognized as having infinite value. I still often make the mistake of judging a person by their performance, but at least I know it's a mistake.
Tahm, I like this approach of honoring our inner selves. If we constantly judge ourselves, we will be constantly lost. Knowing there's a part of ourselves beyond judgment lifts us up. If we can also see others this way, we would be on our way to a kinder world! Of course, being human, we will mess this up sometimes, but as you point out, awareness is the first step, and each time we succeed, we've brought a little more peace to the world.
You have offered fantastic suggestions, Sandra! I strongly believe everything you wrote to be true.
My personal struggle is not in judging others, though I am sure slip into that mode now and again. Instead, I too often sit in judgment of myself. I work with those thoughts to release them, but some prove more persistent than others. I'm getting better.
I grew up in a family in which judgment was a default mode of interaction. They judged and derided just about everyone - whether they knew them or not. I came to the understanding ages ago that diminishing others made them feel better about themselves. Of course, they never felt better about themselves. I loved your comment that people judge others so that they do not have to face themselves - shadow and all. It was something that never occurred to me and it was illuminating. I hadn't looked at it as a protection to hide behind. Thank you!
Cathy, thank you for sharing your personal story about criticism and judgment. It's easy for our inner critic to grow way too big when we live in a judgmental family. I'm so sorry it was like that for you, and I'm inspired that you have gained deep insight into your parents' internal state over the years, so you know their judging wasn't about you. Still, I know how difficult it can be to overcome that inner critic completely. I've struggled with that myself. Yet I know you have managed beautifully. I love how you replace judgment with understanding, which shows us a different and much more nourishing way forward for ourselves and others. Deep gratitude for your presence and sharing.
Thank you for this, Sandra. Deep gratitude for all your share with us here!
Thank you to both of you for this conversation. I found myself and my own family dynamics reflected in what you've shared. Gosh, I learned so early how to protect by judging/critiquing others. And yes, that inner critic is so loud at times. Given the messages internalized at young ages, how could it not? And I've lately been in a loop where I've been critiquing a couple of specific people... so longing to control something I can't. And in the midst? The inner critic comes loudly. That part so wants something new (something safer), and as long as I travel the same, worn, unhealthy path, nothing new will arise. Sigh... as you suggest, slowing down... watching, noticing, choosing... so essential. I notice that happening as I read your post and this discussion. Sometimes I need an outside mirror to notice the pattern I'm caught in. Thank you.
PJ, I deeply appreciate your self-awareness. I know it's not easy to overcome such deep-seated patterns. But I feel your positive intention, and I trust that you will gradually be able to soften this critical aspect as the days go by. Thanks for connecting and sharing so honestly.
@sandrapawula always offers much to consider. Outside mirrors are so very illuminating.
Thank you, PJ, for sharing your experiences with us!