Do You Feel Like You Don't Belong?

How to heal and finally feel at home in the world

Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on Pexels

Do you feel like you don’t belong? In your family, in your life, in this world?

I sometimes feel I don’t belong on this planet. I’m too sensitive. It’s too harsh, too violent, too overwhelming. I never felt welcomed into this world.

Do you sometimes feel that way too?

In his book, The Five Personality Patterns, Your Guide to Understand Yourself and Others and Developing Emotional Maturity, long-time psychotherapist Steven Kessler calls this the “Leaving Pattern.”

Those who feel unwelcome in this world may have experienced very early childhood trauma, either in the womb, during birth, or soon after birth.

Kessler says they endured repeated shocks, which caused their fragile self to fragment and attempt to flee back to the spirit world, a place that felt safer than the physical body and physical world.

When this happens, a child does not feel embodied, which is their first developmental task. Embodied means you have established a strong sense of self that securely attaches to the body and a vibrant energetic boundary to protect yourself from external disturbances.

So, as an adult, you might feel a continual sense of overwhelm. You might easily fall to pieces under pressure. You might find it challenging to function in the world because you lack a strong sense of your center.

You might also feel like I have, that you were never welcomed into this world and don’t belong here now.

The dominant emotion in this pattern is fear.

Individuals who express this pattern have gifts as well, which can include creativity, sensitivity to energy, and, for some, an ability to connect with the spirit world. If you see yourself as a Highly Sensitive Person, this may be your primary psychological pattern.

When trauma occurs so early, we rarely have memories of it, although it continues to impact our lives. And because it’s pre-verbal, we don’t have words for what we experienced either.

The trauma might be significant, like actual physical abuse or an addicted mother who was still getting her hits. But it can also be subtle, like the biochemical experience of your mother’s depression or anxiety or the sense that your parents didn’t want another child.

Let’s Heal the Story of Not Belonging

I want to heal these feelings of not belonging. Would you, too?

A sweet image once came to me of being welcomed as a baby by “the grandmothers” — elder wise women. The grandmothers encircled me as a baby, swaying and gently playing their drums and other instruments. Their faces expressed delight at my presence in the world as if they were saying, “No one belongs here more than you.”

The next day, as I browsed the aisles at the health food store, I happened upon one of the workers. She welcomed me warmly as though the grandmothers had tipped her off. That made me smile and appreciate how the universe reflects what we need to heal or learn.

It might have been true. Maybe I wasn’t welcomed into this world as a baby. But I’ve solidified the story by repeating it again and again.

Research professor Bréne Brown, who studies courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy, reminds us not to do that:

“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.”

Whatever happened as a child is done. Now, it’s up to me to interrupt this psychological pattern when I notice it taking over and gradually heal the story of not belonging.

If you feel like you don’t belong, try to catch yourself when the story comes up and begins to hurt your heart. What could you tell yourself as an antidote to those false beliefs? What kind of image or visualization could you use — like my beautiful grandmothers — that could help you begin to heal this wound?

More Ways to Heal The Feeling of Not Belonging

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According to Kessler, you can learn how to move from any of the five common personality patterns into wholeness. You’re not stuck in your survival pattern forever.

Kessler says embodiment is the main task for someone who expresses the Leaving Pattern. He suggests the following ways to move out of the Leaving Pattern into wholeness.

• Sense the body

• Develop a felt sense of your physical core

• Reach out for soothing

• Develop social skills

• Return to the body

• Recover from episodes of shattering

• Dissolve the terror

• Strengthen the sense of self

• Dis-identify from the inner critic

• Decide to live

• Express your anger in a safe way

• Practice grounding exercises

• Connect to your inner core

• Develop strong boundaries (psychologically and energetically)

• Learn to differentiate between self and others

You may need the help of a therapist to explore how to dissolve terror or recover from episodes of shattering. But you can begin many of the above practices on your own, like learning to sense your body, ground yourself, and establish healthy boundaries.

You Belong

It’s not unusual to feel like you don’t belong if you’ve experienced very early childhood trauma. You may not remember exactly what happened, but you may feel disquiet.

You don’t have to remain stuck in these uncomfortable feelings and the unhealthy patterns they trigger. You can move out of your patterned response by using any of the methods on the above list. Healing takes time, but gradually, you can feel better.

Keep reminding yourself of Bréne Brown’s words:

“No one belongs here more than you.”—Brené Brown

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