Thank you for this! I have struggled with feeling like I don’t belong for 44 years. I’ve made it my passion to make others know they DO belong (as a teacher and guidance counsellor), but my own persistent feelings of unease and impostor syndrome hound me everywhere I go. I need to reframe the story in my head. Find my own image of smiling grandmas. But it’s so hard to uproot what has become such a deep-rooted belief. If you have any other resources on this, I’d appreciate you sharing them.🙏🏼 I’m so grateful to have found your Substack.
Nida, My heart is with you. Undoing our deep wounds is not necessarily an easy journey or a linear along a linear path. I appreciate your willingness and how you've dedicated yourself to helping others know that they belong. Regarding resources, I suggest reading Steven Kessler's book, which is mentioned in this article. A second excellent book is Laurence Heller's Healing Development Trauma. He talks about the same five survival patterns but he refers to Kessler's Leaving Pattern as the Connection Pattern. I've also written an article based on Kessler's book that goes over the five patterns, which you can read on Medium with this free link: https://medium.com/@sandrapawula/the-5-personality-patterns-which-one-fits-you-4e7616c2862f?sk=a31cdb81585adb2b9b4024cb35fc6a51
You could also learn more about Heller's approach to healing development trauma at his website: https://drlaurenceheller.com and Kessler has a website too, but his is mostly about his book. Heller trains practitioners in his approach. Wishing you the very best moving forward.
In utero trauma fascinates me because my father died suddenly and tragically just a few days into my mother’s pregnancy with me. I’ve always wondered how that must have played out in my early memories. I have had therapy and it’s been immensely helpful but your piece is so comforting and hopeful, and I felt a deep recognition when I read it. Substack is amazing.
Miranda, Such a profound loss so early in life. My heart is with you. I'm glad therapy has been immensely helpful and that you also found my offering comforting. Thank you for sharing so personally. I've been deeply moved by what people have shared. We are not alone!
Hi Sandra. Am glad to have found your substack. Great article. Very much resonate with this. Unlike some, I do actually recall at least bits of prebirth trauma, was adopted at birth, and generally "know" I don't belong -- however, I considered it more due to atypical traits (some of which are trauma-induced) and not usually shared by, acknowledged by, or cared about by the mainstream/status quo. I feel a sense of belonging with those who have similar traits. So I make a distinction between "my" world and "the" world. But in the world generally, no I don't feel I belong and I sincerely wonder why I would want to belong there. Input from anyone on this particular point welcomed.
J Bradley, Thanks for sharing your personal experience. Maybe it's not "normal" for everyone to want to belong in the "normal" world. Neurotypical people relate better with neurotypical people, for example, because their/our (not sure about me) brains operate similarly. I like what you said about belonging in "your" world, and I'm glad you've discovered that for yourself so you can have a sense of belonging. Thanks for your kind words about my Substack. I'm interested in your writing, too. Trauma has been a long thread in my life. Thanks again for your response.
Thanks so much, Sandra. I really appreciate your comments and observations. Yeah, it took a long time to realize that rather than try to fit in in the world at large (since I was failing so miserably, lol) it was better to find those individuals that fit with me. Over the years, that has progressively developed. Trauma can be such a challenge. If something I share can help, you are absolutely welcome to it! I hope you find my writing meaningful. Thank you!
This really resonates with me….my mother was a narcissist and I didn’t identify that until working with a therapist in my 40s. Realization is a start I know I need to keep working on this.
Elizabeth, It can take decades to realize the dynamics in our family, but as you say, once we know, we have a start in a better direction. Wishing you the best with your journey. And thanks for letting me know that this piece resonated. I appreciate it!
Thank you for sharing this Sandra! I think many of my troubles started when I was a one year old because I had a sister for a day or so and she died with my mom never able to hold her. We never really talked about it as a family but I'm sure my mom got depressed and maybe I noticed a difference or something which made me feel like I did something wrong. I don't know how to examine it further so your article really helps! Also, my mom was a bit damaged because she lived in the Netherlands during WW2 and the Nazi's would come into my grandparents house and look for my Uncles. They took my Opa(grandpa) but luckily they let him go back home. So, I believe she had a tough time processing things and she was raised old school, Catholic, so talking about things was not her choice. Well, thanks again and have a lovely day.
Thank you for sharing your personal story. I can imagine losing your sister when she was just a day old could have such a lasting impact on your mother and you. It's so difficult to know what we picked up at such an early age but it can shape us in some many ways. It sounds like your mother was emotionally absent to some degree. My heart is with you and I wish the best on your healing journey.
I definitely used to feel like I didn't belong. Not so much now I've created my own space and found out what I really want to do which is writing and sharing with others.
Glad to have encountered this article - and thereby stumbled across your stack, Sandra Pawula.
Yes, resonant and heartfelt, pre-natal trauma compounded by perinatal separation and - oh, life in general. So yes, an "outsider" Kessler's model is helpful when we want to understand, to make into awareness that which has horned us unseen in our insides for so long. Like Heller's NARM model, the light is shone so that we can begin to heal from the darkness. I'm sorry I don't know the origin of the story of the people who begin to welcome a child before even the mother has been with the father, when there is only intention and love, and first the mother, then both, then family and finally the whole village create a song which is for that child, that person. And in their life, when difficulties arise, when sadness strikes and when separation from community occurs in, say, a transgression , the song is sung to restore love and harmony. We have to make our own songs, us outsiders, and sing ourselves back to love. Only some of us ever manage to do this.
Matthew, this is a Beautiful story about the song for each new child! Thanks for sharing it with us. I also deeply appreciate Heller's work on developmental trauma. These two men have shown us a walkable path to healing. Wishing you all the best.
I know I was loved and welcomed by my mother and father, and my family of origin. Yet, at times I have felt I was on the outside looking in. That something didn't quite fit. I've worked through that, mostly, but those feelings still arise and usually when I least expect them too. Thank you for another thoughtful post, Sandra.
Paulette, Thanks for sharing your personal experience. I wonder if the "outside looking in" feelings arose from having a greater destiny to do something unusual in the Western world. It seems like you have certainly found your place now.
Such a heartfelt, well crafted, and truly helpful article, Sandra! I'm not sure I'd fall into exactly this personality type, but have definitely felt times in my life when I just wanted to exit because it all is too hard and harsh. I do remember when I was a little kid, maybe in 3rd or 4th grade, also having intense feelings of 'not belonging,' maybe I didn't know how to connect with my schoolmates, most of whom were of a different ethnic background than me (I grew up in a school where the majority of kids were Lationo/a).
As I've gotten older and as I've found "my people" (and I mean that in the sense of friends with whom I share a strong spiritualy affinity and path), these feelings don't come up much anymore. But I remember how physically and emotionally painful there were.
I wonder if you are familiar with Stan Grof's holotropic breathwork? Stan dedicated his whole life to exploring the impact of birth experiences and traumas and sought a therapy modality that could hep people revisit that experience from a different perspective and heal it. For a number of years I did holotropic breathwork and found it very helpful in doing some deep healing around family and childhood patterns.
Thank you as always for everything you share with us!
Thank you so much, Maia! I'm sorry you felt like you didn't belong when you were in elementary school. I'm glad those feelings haven't persisted, and you've found "your people." Connecting with people with a solid spiritual affinity has made a big difference in my life, too. I know of Stan Groff from running around in popular spiritual and self-help circles in those earlier times. But I've never explored his breathwork. Thanks for sharing the approach with me and how healing it has been for you. I appreciate your reply and all you've shared!
I’ve read and studied A LOT of material on these exact subjects and none have hit me quite like your words did here, which I want to extend genuine gratitude for.
I tend to be an intellectualizer, so while I understand why the trauma I experienced in utero has affected my nervous system so much, it often feels impossible to find let alone feel or ground into these fragmented parts of myself.
But something about the way you described why our fragile selves would want to flee back to the safety of the spirit world as well as not having language for those experiences because it was pre-verbal has me compassionately connecting to a part of myself that feels very alive and grateful to be seen/heard in this way.
Jessi, Beautiful! I'm so thrilled to hear that you compassionately connected to a part of yourself that feels alive and grateful to be seen and heard. I'm deeply grateful for your kind words. Thank you for taking the time to let me know how this piece resonated for you. I wish you the very best on your journey moving forward.
Sandra, this is another wonderful article. It totally resonates with me, since I have always felt I was an “accident”. I often wondered if I really should have been here and so many of those traits you listed are ones I have experienced, especially overwhelm and sensitivity. I love reading highly sensitive refuge’s articles, too. I thought you summarized the experiences so well and I appreciate the coping tools, too! Thanks!
Hello dear Betsy! I always appreciate hearing from you. I'm so glad this piece resonated with you and validated your experience. Thanks for your kind words and appreciation!
As a black sheep, in a conservative, religious family yes! It sticks with you. I was the strongest, it doesn't feel like it. I try to shake not feeling enough. Ill need to listen to your entire post to absorb. Thanks
Jane, I'm sorry to hear you felt you didn't belong in your family and how that experience impacted you. It can be so hard to shake the feeling of not being enough. It's improved for me, but I still see it arising subtly. Still, I'm grateful for the knowing and healing that has occurred. Big hug!
Thank you for posting this.
Tara, You're so welcome! I'm glad it resonated.
Thank you for this! I have struggled with feeling like I don’t belong for 44 years. I’ve made it my passion to make others know they DO belong (as a teacher and guidance counsellor), but my own persistent feelings of unease and impostor syndrome hound me everywhere I go. I need to reframe the story in my head. Find my own image of smiling grandmas. But it’s so hard to uproot what has become such a deep-rooted belief. If you have any other resources on this, I’d appreciate you sharing them.🙏🏼 I’m so grateful to have found your Substack.
Nida, My heart is with you. Undoing our deep wounds is not necessarily an easy journey or a linear along a linear path. I appreciate your willingness and how you've dedicated yourself to helping others know that they belong. Regarding resources, I suggest reading Steven Kessler's book, which is mentioned in this article. A second excellent book is Laurence Heller's Healing Development Trauma. He talks about the same five survival patterns but he refers to Kessler's Leaving Pattern as the Connection Pattern. I've also written an article based on Kessler's book that goes over the five patterns, which you can read on Medium with this free link: https://medium.com/@sandrapawula/the-5-personality-patterns-which-one-fits-you-4e7616c2862f?sk=a31cdb81585adb2b9b4024cb35fc6a51
You could also learn more about Heller's approach to healing development trauma at his website: https://drlaurenceheller.com and Kessler has a website too, but his is mostly about his book. Heller trains practitioners in his approach. Wishing you the very best moving forward.
Thank you so much for the book/website recs and your essay link!🙏🏼 I will definitely check them out.
Nida, Hope you find them helpful! All the best!
In utero trauma fascinates me because my father died suddenly and tragically just a few days into my mother’s pregnancy with me. I’ve always wondered how that must have played out in my early memories. I have had therapy and it’s been immensely helpful but your piece is so comforting and hopeful, and I felt a deep recognition when I read it. Substack is amazing.
Miranda, Such a profound loss so early in life. My heart is with you. I'm glad therapy has been immensely helpful and that you also found my offering comforting. Thank you for sharing so personally. I've been deeply moved by what people have shared. We are not alone!
Begin at the end.
What had to happen the minute, hour and day before to allow that ending to occur?
Gary, Sorry, but I have no idea what you're trying to get at.
It may be I’ve managed to reply to completely the wrong post!!!!
That’s a trick my neurodivergent mind sometimes plays on me when my thoughts move too fast!
I just have to laugh!
Gary, I'll smile with you! Thanks for responding so kindly.
Hi Sandra. Am glad to have found your substack. Great article. Very much resonate with this. Unlike some, I do actually recall at least bits of prebirth trauma, was adopted at birth, and generally "know" I don't belong -- however, I considered it more due to atypical traits (some of which are trauma-induced) and not usually shared by, acknowledged by, or cared about by the mainstream/status quo. I feel a sense of belonging with those who have similar traits. So I make a distinction between "my" world and "the" world. But in the world generally, no I don't feel I belong and I sincerely wonder why I would want to belong there. Input from anyone on this particular point welcomed.
J Bradley, Thanks for sharing your personal experience. Maybe it's not "normal" for everyone to want to belong in the "normal" world. Neurotypical people relate better with neurotypical people, for example, because their/our (not sure about me) brains operate similarly. I like what you said about belonging in "your" world, and I'm glad you've discovered that for yourself so you can have a sense of belonging. Thanks for your kind words about my Substack. I'm interested in your writing, too. Trauma has been a long thread in my life. Thanks again for your response.
Thanks so much, Sandra. I really appreciate your comments and observations. Yeah, it took a long time to realize that rather than try to fit in in the world at large (since I was failing so miserably, lol) it was better to find those individuals that fit with me. Over the years, that has progressively developed. Trauma can be such a challenge. If something I share can help, you are absolutely welcome to it! I hope you find my writing meaningful. Thank you!
J Bradley, Thank you for your generosity! Yes, trauma can be so challenging. Thank you for writing about it and doing what you can to help others.
This really resonates with me….my mother was a narcissist and I didn’t identify that until working with a therapist in my 40s. Realization is a start I know I need to keep working on this.
Elizabeth, It can take decades to realize the dynamics in our family, but as you say, once we know, we have a start in a better direction. Wishing you the best with your journey. And thanks for letting me know that this piece resonated. I appreciate it!
Thank you for sharing this Sandra! I think many of my troubles started when I was a one year old because I had a sister for a day or so and she died with my mom never able to hold her. We never really talked about it as a family but I'm sure my mom got depressed and maybe I noticed a difference or something which made me feel like I did something wrong. I don't know how to examine it further so your article really helps! Also, my mom was a bit damaged because she lived in the Netherlands during WW2 and the Nazi's would come into my grandparents house and look for my Uncles. They took my Opa(grandpa) but luckily they let him go back home. So, I believe she had a tough time processing things and she was raised old school, Catholic, so talking about things was not her choice. Well, thanks again and have a lovely day.
Thank you for sharing your personal story. I can imagine losing your sister when she was just a day old could have such a lasting impact on your mother and you. It's so difficult to know what we picked up at such an early age but it can shape us in some many ways. It sounds like your mother was emotionally absent to some degree. My heart is with you and I wish the best on your healing journey.
I definitely used to feel like I didn't belong. Not so much now I've created my own space and found out what I really want to do which is writing and sharing with others.
Georgia, I'm happy for you! You seem contented and settled in yourself.
I’m getting there. A work in progress 😉
Glad to have encountered this article - and thereby stumbled across your stack, Sandra Pawula.
Yes, resonant and heartfelt, pre-natal trauma compounded by perinatal separation and - oh, life in general. So yes, an "outsider" Kessler's model is helpful when we want to understand, to make into awareness that which has horned us unseen in our insides for so long. Like Heller's NARM model, the light is shone so that we can begin to heal from the darkness. I'm sorry I don't know the origin of the story of the people who begin to welcome a child before even the mother has been with the father, when there is only intention and love, and first the mother, then both, then family and finally the whole village create a song which is for that child, that person. And in their life, when difficulties arise, when sadness strikes and when separation from community occurs in, say, a transgression , the song is sung to restore love and harmony. We have to make our own songs, us outsiders, and sing ourselves back to love. Only some of us ever manage to do this.
Matthew, this is a Beautiful story about the song for each new child! Thanks for sharing it with us. I also deeply appreciate Heller's work on developmental trauma. These two men have shown us a walkable path to healing. Wishing you all the best.
I know I was loved and welcomed by my mother and father, and my family of origin. Yet, at times I have felt I was on the outside looking in. That something didn't quite fit. I've worked through that, mostly, but those feelings still arise and usually when I least expect them too. Thank you for another thoughtful post, Sandra.
Paulette, Thanks for sharing your personal experience. I wonder if the "outside looking in" feelings arose from having a greater destiny to do something unusual in the Western world. It seems like you have certainly found your place now.
Hmm, what a lovely contemplation. I'll sit with it, Sandra.
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing x
Thank you so much, Ellie!
Of course I belong. I really do believe that. But sometimes it feels like I’m living in a one car parade. 😂
I'm glad you feel you belong so unequivocally. At the same time, that's an interesting image of the one-car parade. I'm curious what it means to you?.
That at times I feel like I’m the center of attention of the world around me only to realize that we all only truly exist as one.
Thanks for clarifying!
Such a heartfelt, well crafted, and truly helpful article, Sandra! I'm not sure I'd fall into exactly this personality type, but have definitely felt times in my life when I just wanted to exit because it all is too hard and harsh. I do remember when I was a little kid, maybe in 3rd or 4th grade, also having intense feelings of 'not belonging,' maybe I didn't know how to connect with my schoolmates, most of whom were of a different ethnic background than me (I grew up in a school where the majority of kids were Lationo/a).
As I've gotten older and as I've found "my people" (and I mean that in the sense of friends with whom I share a strong spiritualy affinity and path), these feelings don't come up much anymore. But I remember how physically and emotionally painful there were.
I wonder if you are familiar with Stan Grof's holotropic breathwork? Stan dedicated his whole life to exploring the impact of birth experiences and traumas and sought a therapy modality that could hep people revisit that experience from a different perspective and heal it. For a number of years I did holotropic breathwork and found it very helpful in doing some deep healing around family and childhood patterns.
Thank you as always for everything you share with us!
Thank you so much, Maia! I'm sorry you felt like you didn't belong when you were in elementary school. I'm glad those feelings haven't persisted, and you've found "your people." Connecting with people with a solid spiritual affinity has made a big difference in my life, too. I know of Stan Groff from running around in popular spiritual and self-help circles in those earlier times. But I've never explored his breathwork. Thanks for sharing the approach with me and how healing it has been for you. I appreciate your reply and all you've shared!
I’ve read and studied A LOT of material on these exact subjects and none have hit me quite like your words did here, which I want to extend genuine gratitude for.
I tend to be an intellectualizer, so while I understand why the trauma I experienced in utero has affected my nervous system so much, it often feels impossible to find let alone feel or ground into these fragmented parts of myself.
But something about the way you described why our fragile selves would want to flee back to the safety of the spirit world as well as not having language for those experiences because it was pre-verbal has me compassionately connecting to a part of myself that feels very alive and grateful to be seen/heard in this way.
So again, thank you for sharing this 🧡
Yes, I had that same experience reading this too, and that part about a yearning to flee to the safety of the spirit world resonated.
Jessi, Beautiful! I'm so thrilled to hear that you compassionately connected to a part of yourself that feels alive and grateful to be seen and heard. I'm deeply grateful for your kind words. Thank you for taking the time to let me know how this piece resonated for you. I wish you the very best on your journey moving forward.
Sandra, this is another wonderful article. It totally resonates with me, since I have always felt I was an “accident”. I often wondered if I really should have been here and so many of those traits you listed are ones I have experienced, especially overwhelm and sensitivity. I love reading highly sensitive refuge’s articles, too. I thought you summarized the experiences so well and I appreciate the coping tools, too! Thanks!
Hello dear Betsy! I always appreciate hearing from you. I'm so glad this piece resonated with you and validated your experience. Thanks for your kind words and appreciation!
As a black sheep, in a conservative, religious family yes! It sticks with you. I was the strongest, it doesn't feel like it. I try to shake not feeling enough. Ill need to listen to your entire post to absorb. Thanks
Jane, I'm sorry to hear you felt you didn't belong in your family and how that experience impacted you. It can be so hard to shake the feeling of not being enough. It's improved for me, but I still see it arising subtly. Still, I'm grateful for the knowing and healing that has occurred. Big hug!
Thanks so much, Sandra!