Do You Know Your True Needs?

Maybe you need rest or maybe you need a roller coast ride

Photo by Kaboompics.com from Pexels

Aloha Lovelies!

Recently, I’ve started to claim space for myself in a new way. This new way is related to my true needs—not who I think I should be, what I think I should do, or what someone else expects of me.

For example, I linger in bed more often. I don’t ruminate, envision my day, or scroll on my phone. I luxuriate in the comfort of my plush mattress, peer out the window where green trees meet the blue sky, and take pleasure in the natural sounds that surround me (except for that damned rooster who seems to have moved too close to my home). I watch where my mind wants to go and gently bring it back to the present moment with a little smile and a silent chuckle.

In the past, I might have called this “slowing down.” But, this is more than a prescription for stress relief.

According to my definition, this twist on claiming space means tuning into your true needs and allowing ample space for them. That could involve singing at karaoke night, training for a marathon, or marching at a protest—not just living at a snail’s pace like my heart desires.

It’s all about your true needs. Do you know what they are?

For me, this has meant allowing more space, slowness, and softness into my days. I need regular doses of peace because I easily become overwhelmed when the world is too loud, too fast, too bright, or too busy.

Just getting ready to leave the house on time can send me into a frenzy. Trying to accommodate my cat’s persistent demands for attention when they coincide with cooking dinner whips my nervous system into disarray.

I’ve always identified as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). In case you don’t know the term, I’ve explained it in this piece. In the past few months, I’ve learned more about neurodiversity, specifically ADHD and Autism—both of which include sensory sensitivity. With this knowledge in hand, as well as my history of trauma, I’ve come to suspect my brain and my nervous system work differently than those of most people—the neurotypical folks of this world.

Interestingly and happily, this recent insight has ushered in more gentleness, self-kindness, and self-acceptance into this domain called “me.”

I’ve written about stress reduction and slow living many times. But now, those two intentions have combined with a more profound self-acceptance of my body and brain as it is. They’ve transformed from band-aids into a required lifestyle.

I need to design my life according to how this biomechanical mass (“me” again) actually works—not to calm it momentarily in order to do more, but to sustain it over the long term. This includes letting go of the need to push myself more so I fit into normal mode.

This new awareness feels profoundly liberating.

It’s led me to take inventory of my stress-ridden moments. When I find one, I ask myself, “How can I make this easier?”

For example, I:

• Add fifteen minutes of buffer time to my morning preparations, so I don’t dip into stress mode. If it looks like I’ll arrive at my destination early, I can stop and watch the waves for five or ten minutes. Then, I’ll arrive on time and at peace.

• Meal prep earlier in the afternoon. When my cat wanders in and demands a ten-minute massage, I can happily comply without worry dinner will be late.

• Spread errands over a week instead of attempting to accomplish them all in a single afternoon and ending up a frazzled mess.

This might look like a list of stress reduction tips, but it’s not a one-size-fits-all stress management formula. It’s my personal list, and it comes from deeply examining how my brain and body operate in real time, accepting my differences, and creating an appropriate lifestyle accordingly.

You might need more stimulation, not less. If you love roller coasters, that might be a clue. Only you know what you truly need. But it can be challenging to see your needs if you’re partnered up or have a demanding boss.

We often try to be cookie cutters of our partners. How often have I adopted a partner’s wishes, attempted to go at their pace instead of mine, or attended an event I would never participate in on my own?

It can be the same with a demanding boss. I worked twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, to meet my boss’s expectations. This burned me out ’ burned me out to such an extent that I’ve never fully recovered.

And if you have a family, your needs may seem like a foreign concept that only exists in a fantasy land—even though you love them dearly.

I get it. My needs kept popping through the seams here and there. I kept trying to stuff them back in their tightly wrapped package. It took me a very long time to recognize my true needs and fully embrace them. Indeed, it’s a new turn in my journey.

But consider this.

It doesn’t matter if you’re neurodiverse or neurotypical. If you don’t know and address your actual needs, who will?

If you don’t recognize your needs, you may spend a lifetime going in the wrong direction. You may get sick and never fully regain your health. You may slip into burnout or depression and live only half a life.

That sounds threatening. And I don’t mean to frighten you.

But the truth is, our choices have consequences. So, will you attend to your needs? Or will you constantly fill the needs or expectations of others, leaving your needs behind?

Please share your thoughts with me in the comments. I would love to hear from you.

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Until Next Time

It’s almost kitty massage time. So I best say aloha for now.

Thanks for reading. It means a lot to me!

Much love to you. Wishing you well, always.

xo Sandra

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