Don’t Let Anyone Steal Your Spark—How To Reclaim It Fully
A mindful guide to recovering your joy, energy, and self-trust from an energy thief
“Does your energy suddenly deflate when you interact with a particular person? If so, what would you do?”
I once asked this question on my Facebook profile after an interaction with a mentor left me deflated.
I’d been joyful, confident, and excited as I described a new idea in an online community. My mentor responded in a sharp, unsupportive tone. Every single molecule of positive energy instantly drained from my being.
This wasn’t my first experience of deflation with this person.
Our mentor-student relationship began well. But gradually, our interactions degraded. I appreciated her expertise, so I would silently take the punch. On occasion, I became slightly disagreeable, indicating something was off. But I wasn’t able to confidently hold my ground.
As these interactions began to occur more often, my instinct told me to retreat far, far away. But I felt hesitant to do so because I valued her knowledge and experience.
I wondered, “Do I follow my heart or do I follow my head?”
How to Respond When Someone Deflates Your Energy
My Facebook friends knew exactly what to do. Here’s how they responded to the question:
“Does your energy suddenly deflate when you interact with a particular person? If so, what would you do?”
“Beware: Energy vampire; step away from it!”
“I agree with the above. I just disentangled myself from one of those.”
“I pay attention to the chakra that the energy left from (mine is usually the third chakra). You can learn something about your wounds by paying attention, at least I think so. And then you can heal them.”
“Take note. Regroup. Reassess how I will prepare for the next interaction with that person. A smudging may be in order! I have an iridescent bubble that goes up automatically to protect me from this energy, too. It makes me smile because it’s a tool I use, and it’s become automatic. If you feel the need to proceed, do so with caution and be aware that you can always step away when needed. Or, say no thank you to this energy, but ask the universe for another resource that has the knowledge you seek from a safer, more comfortable energy.”
“Follow your instinct and retreat — being sensitive is who you are, and that is okay. Me too! There are certain people I have to retreat from, even though I could benefit from their knowledge and expertise. I trust that the knowledge I need will come to me from another source.”
“Yes, follow your instinct, always. If you would like that specific knowledge, there are joyful, delightful ways to obtain it. Honor your sensitivity (I believe and practice, it’s a gift). If my energy deflates, I check to see if I’m centered. I take a cleansing breath. That shifts me out of reactive mode. If it’s a case of non-resonance, I honor my boundary. If it’s a case of feeling triggered, I do inner work around it (not in that moment, but later in the day). I do the work to receive the lesson.”
“For me: Retreat a bit; love, love, and love from afar. Try again. Every time I need to do this (which is numerous times, frankly), I get a bit better at it. My greatest teachers, yes. Yes!”
“Watch my energy and see where it’s going, what it’s doing. Establish a more luminous and clearly defined, embodied energetic boundary.”
“Gently move away, Sandra. Life is too short to be dragged down.”
“Another suffering human being.”
Every single one of these responses is perfect in its own way. But what would be the best way for you?
Know Yourself to Find the Right Response
You'll need to know yourself to find a response that is appropriate for you, your needs, and your capacity at this point in your life.
The above suggestions from my friends could be summarized into four different responses to an energy thief, or you could combine more than one.
Here’s a summary of the approaches:
You may be at a stage in your life when you need protection above all else. Follow your instincts. Step away. Set a protective energy bubble if you interact with the person again. Ask the Universe for another person with the same knowledge, but with a more comfortable energy for you.
Open to receiving the lesson embedded in the interaction. Set aside time to do your inner work later in the day. Journal or sit quietly and ask that the lessons be revealed to you.
Elevate yourself into compassion for the other person. You could send them love either in person or from a distance, depending on what feels safe to you.
Confidently hold your ground. If you’re able to do this, you may not need to step away from future interactions.
You can choose a combination of the above strategies, tailored to your current needs and capacity.
It’s not about one way or the right way, it’s about an approach that works for you.
If you suddenly feel deflated around another person, tune into your inner wisdom for a resonant response. If you can only run away, as fast as possible, to protect yourself, that’s okay. That’s what you need right now.
These suggestions are like a magical toolbox always at your disposal. It’s essential to respect yourself and utilize the right tool for you, which could change over time.
8 Ways to Strengthen Your Confidence.
Here are eight tips for gaining confidence so you can ace discordant interactions like the one I described.
Cultivate your ability to notice your feelings and energy in the moment. This takes practice, of course.
Notice any doubts or self-questioning that arise after the experience. There’s a danger you’ll start following a “should” instead of your heart or your intuition.
If you feel unsure, talk it out with a clear-minded friend. They can act like a mirror, reflecting your words and what you truly want until you feel clear yourself.
Listening to your heart may evoke fear if you’re not used to doing so. I try to remember that I’ve always felt better when I do. That helps to quell the anxiety.
Watch for projections. If you stay too long in a situation after your heart says to go, it’s easy to develop projections towards the other person. For example, you suddenly feel irritated by everything they say.
Recognize that change is a natural and healthy part of life. We’re not meant to stay engaged with the same individual, group, or activity indefinitely. You may genuinely need a new perspective or a fresh approach.
From a Buddhist perspective, when a karma is finished with a particular person, circumstances will make it difficult or painful to continue. There’s no point in lingering. The longer you stay, the longer you hurt yourself.
Surround yourself with a protective bubble or center in love so you can distinguish between your own emotions and those of others.
Take Responsibility for Your Feelings
On one level, I know that no one can permanently steal my spark or rob my joy.
I know I’m responsible for my feelings. If they suddenly shift, it’s up to me to get them back on track rather than blaming someone else.
At the same time, energetic interactions do happen on a subtle energy level. We all know there are people who wittingly or unwittingly suck the energy out of others.
Though it’s a handy phrase, I don’t like the word “energy vampire.” It implies a victim and a perpetrator, a good person and a bad person. It suggests that you have no control over yourself and your response when you feel deflated.
Our interactions are always more complex than this.
From a Buddhist perspective, unhealthy relationships like this can come about due to our past actions, which have become unconscious patterns. That means that both individuals have contributed to the situation at hand. Because situations happen due to different causes and conditions that come together, there’s no point in assigning sole blame to the “energy vampire.”
This person may be showing you something you need to learn for your personal growth. In that way, they’re serving you like a friend, as uncomfortable as it feels in the moment.
Or they may be stuck in this energetic style of interaction due to their own karma or childhood wounds. They may need love and compassion to break the cycle.
But that doesn’t mean you should stay present and allow them to treat you disrespectfully. It’s essential to be aware that most narcissists are unwilling to change.
Boundaries Get Easier with Practice
After discussing the situation with friends and processing the emotions for a few days, I lovingly said goodbye to this individual. Amazingly, a new door opened, providing exactly what I wished for, but without the harshness.
Boundaries have been challenging for much of my life. But each time I was able to set and honor a boundary, I became stronger and clearer. Setting a personal boundary became easier the next time. My tendency to blame also lightened up more and more.
To sum up, when you feel deflated by another person, you can:
Protect yourself and step away
Receive the lesson
Feel compassion for the other person
Confidently, hold your ground
Engage in a mix of the above.
There isn’t one right way. It’s essential to know yourself and discover the best approach for you, one that aligns with your current needs and capabilities.
What do you do when an interaction leaves you feeling joyless and deflated? I would love to hear your thoughts.
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The timing of your question comes exactly when I have been reflecting on one particular couple in my life. My early friendship with the husband came years before he met his wife. After they met, I became friends with her, as well. And then life happened. The dynamic changed over time. My energy would deplete around them. I was very careful of the time I would spend with them while we lived in the same city. After they moved, I was careful (mindful?) of the interactions I was willing to continue. They are good people, and I would never do anything that might be hurtful to them. I have comfortably settled into birthday (which just passed with one of them) and holiday communication, and that works for me. I know they would prefer more, but I give what I can, and that is good.
I've had many of these types of encounters. Someone I admired and thought had my back makes a comment that shreds my confidence and self-esteem.
Probably the most helpful thought I have when this happens is that this is so more about the other person than me. I don't try to understand the why behind their comment. I find it isn't helpful for my own mental and spiritual health.
I usually cut ties with the person. Not in a cruel way. I don't try to "get back at them." But my thinking is that until they address whatever is going on with them, this issue will remain a sticking point. I suppose I no longer entirely trust their perspective because it is colored by something only they can address.
At a minimum this is a good lesson when it comes to boundaries and standards.
There are times, too, when I am contributing to the problem. This is something I CAN address.
This is an opportunity for me to grow.
This is specific to mentor-type relationships which are not the most important relationships to me.