Sandra, this article is so helpful. I appreciate how you categorized the different ways we can feel drained and what might be helpful moving forward.
I notice that when I'm not sleeping or feeling well, I'm more prone to experiencing an energy drain and a decline in self-confidence. Recognizing that there are multiple ways to practice self-care is essential. Thanks for the clarity and helpful tools.
Paulette, that's a great point about being more vulnerable when you don't get enough sleep or don't feel well. Thanks for adding it for consideration. Many thanks for your support.
Lisa, I appreciate your point about all this being a learning experience. It's a significant shift when we can drop blame, be open to taking care of ourselves, and learn to move on. Thanks for sharing that critical piece.
So much to absorb here, Sandra (no pun intended 😆). Thank you for this carefully thought out article. I agree with so much of what you included - setting boundaries takes practice, projecting onto others, being disappointed when someone we admire treats us badly... all learning experiences. 🙌
I've had many of these types of encounters. Someone I admired and thought had my back makes a comment that shreds my confidence and self-esteem.
Probably the most helpful thought I have when this happens is that this is so more about the other person than me. I don't try to understand the why behind their comment. I find it isn't helpful for my own mental and spiritual health.
I usually cut ties with the person. Not in a cruel way. I don't try to "get back at them." But my thinking is that until they address whatever is going on with them, this issue will remain a sticking point. I suppose I no longer entirely trust their perspective because it is colored by something only they can address.
At a minimum this is a good lesson when it comes to boundaries and standards.
There are times, too, when I am contributing to the problem. This is something I CAN address.
This is an opportunity for me to grow.
This is specific to mentor-type relationships which are not the most important relationships to me.
Judy, the way you deal with deflating encounters is so wise. I like everything you've said about your attitude toward it and your approach to it. Your clarity and confidence inspire me. I especially appreciate how you understand there's a pattern behind the comment and that it won't change unless they do the inner work. Thus, it's healthier for you to cut ties with the person.
I love how you recognise that it’s not a case of one good person and one bad person. Many people who shrivel my energy and dim my sparkle may well be folk who light others up. But our combined energies and histories just don’t work.
Ali, Thanks for noticing that. I too feel that it's important to be discerning for ourselves but not make absolute judgments of others. You've explain this well and I appreciate how you have the open-mindedness to see this. All the best!
The timing of your question comes exactly when I have been reflecting on one particular couple in my life. My early friendship with the husband came years before he met his wife. After they met, I became friends with her, as well. And then life happened. The dynamic changed over time. My energy would deplete around them. I was very careful of the time I would spend with them while we lived in the same city. After they moved, I was careful (mindful?) of the interactions I was willing to continue. They are good people, and I would never do anything that might be hurtful to them. I have comfortably settled into birthday (which just passed with one of them) and holiday communication, and that works for me. I know they would prefer more, but I give what I can, and that is good.
Cathy, That's a very good example of how the dynamic can change in our relationship as well. We can grow distant from people we once loved and love people we once felt distance from. The words "friend" and "enemy" are not necessarily static. Thanks for sharing your story and showing us how friendships can change, but also how you have taken care of yourself so that you don't become drained.
Thank you, Sandra! I have had very few enemies in my life but I know people can change and agree that this perspective might change, as well.
My personal perspective on friends builds on a long-held belief that the English language has a deficiency related to our use of the word. There is a huge grey area between friend and acquaintance with no words to fill that gap. It makes the relationship harder to define when we don’t have a word for it. Without defining it, it is harder to create a boundary. And, of course, all facets of that relationship can change over time.
Cathy, that's a fascinating insight! I know "enemy" is a heavy word, and I'm not surprised that you don't see people in that way with your compassionate heart. It occurs to me that perhaps the same could be said about the word enemy. It's a term that's used in Buddhism to explain how the nature of our relationships is not fixed and can change in an instant. There is hatred, but there is also indifference, dislike, and mild annoyance. So, I guess there are words for that spectrum! Thanks for sharing this insight.
Sandra, this article is so helpful. I appreciate how you categorized the different ways we can feel drained and what might be helpful moving forward.
I notice that when I'm not sleeping or feeling well, I'm more prone to experiencing an energy drain and a decline in self-confidence. Recognizing that there are multiple ways to practice self-care is essential. Thanks for the clarity and helpful tools.
Paulette, that's a great point about being more vulnerable when you don't get enough sleep or don't feel well. Thanks for adding it for consideration. Many thanks for your support.
Lisa, I appreciate your point about all this being a learning experience. It's a significant shift when we can drop blame, be open to taking care of ourselves, and learn to move on. Thanks for sharing that critical piece.
So much to absorb here, Sandra (no pun intended 😆). Thank you for this carefully thought out article. I agree with so much of what you included - setting boundaries takes practice, projecting onto others, being disappointed when someone we admire treats us badly... all learning experiences. 🙌
I've had many of these types of encounters. Someone I admired and thought had my back makes a comment that shreds my confidence and self-esteem.
Probably the most helpful thought I have when this happens is that this is so more about the other person than me. I don't try to understand the why behind their comment. I find it isn't helpful for my own mental and spiritual health.
I usually cut ties with the person. Not in a cruel way. I don't try to "get back at them." But my thinking is that until they address whatever is going on with them, this issue will remain a sticking point. I suppose I no longer entirely trust their perspective because it is colored by something only they can address.
At a minimum this is a good lesson when it comes to boundaries and standards.
There are times, too, when I am contributing to the problem. This is something I CAN address.
This is an opportunity for me to grow.
This is specific to mentor-type relationships which are not the most important relationships to me.
Judy, the way you deal with deflating encounters is so wise. I like everything you've said about your attitude toward it and your approach to it. Your clarity and confidence inspire me. I especially appreciate how you understand there's a pattern behind the comment and that it won't change unless they do the inner work. Thus, it's healthier for you to cut ties with the person.
I love how you recognise that it’s not a case of one good person and one bad person. Many people who shrivel my energy and dim my sparkle may well be folk who light others up. But our combined energies and histories just don’t work.
Ali, Thanks for noticing that. I too feel that it's important to be discerning for ourselves but not make absolute judgments of others. You've explain this well and I appreciate how you have the open-mindedness to see this. All the best!
The timing of your question comes exactly when I have been reflecting on one particular couple in my life. My early friendship with the husband came years before he met his wife. After they met, I became friends with her, as well. And then life happened. The dynamic changed over time. My energy would deplete around them. I was very careful of the time I would spend with them while we lived in the same city. After they moved, I was careful (mindful?) of the interactions I was willing to continue. They are good people, and I would never do anything that might be hurtful to them. I have comfortably settled into birthday (which just passed with one of them) and holiday communication, and that works for me. I know they would prefer more, but I give what I can, and that is good.
Cathy, That's a very good example of how the dynamic can change in our relationship as well. We can grow distant from people we once loved and love people we once felt distance from. The words "friend" and "enemy" are not necessarily static. Thanks for sharing your story and showing us how friendships can change, but also how you have taken care of yourself so that you don't become drained.
Thank you, Sandra! I have had very few enemies in my life but I know people can change and agree that this perspective might change, as well.
My personal perspective on friends builds on a long-held belief that the English language has a deficiency related to our use of the word. There is a huge grey area between friend and acquaintance with no words to fill that gap. It makes the relationship harder to define when we don’t have a word for it. Without defining it, it is harder to create a boundary. And, of course, all facets of that relationship can change over time.
Cathy, that's a fascinating insight! I know "enemy" is a heavy word, and I'm not surprised that you don't see people in that way with your compassionate heart. It occurs to me that perhaps the same could be said about the word enemy. It's a term that's used in Buddhism to explain how the nature of our relationships is not fixed and can change in an instant. There is hatred, but there is also indifference, dislike, and mild annoyance. So, I guess there are words for that spectrum! Thanks for sharing this insight.
What an excellent differentiation, Sandra!