When Anger Is the Best Medicine

Reclaiming healthy aggression after trauma

Photo by Mariana on Pexels

I fired my therapist, not my primary therapist, but the one who was guiding me through a specific therapeutic listening protocol for healing trauma.

It’s made me see, again, how I sometimes override my inner impulses, rationalize, and accommodate, but ultimately reach a breaking point. Going to the brink can and has led to angry explosions—a toxic form of aggression. That didn’t happen this time. I’ve learned to be more patient and peaceful.

But there’s a price to pay when we routinely suppress anger, which can manifest in the form of illness. And since I have an overreactive immune system, could there be a link to suppressed anger?

---

Research has shown links between chronic anger and heart health, gastrointestinal issues, insomnia, headaches, and mood disorders. Anger can also impair the immune system and aggravate existing conditions.

My anger toward Therapist Two came out eventually, days after our session, when I was alone. Later, I processed it with my primary therapist.

I had disregarded my discomfort with Therapist Two for nearly six months! When I recognized this, I initially felt angry at myself for repeating the same pattern of accommodation. But I know that healing takes time, so I moved away from anger into self-compassion.

I want to break this nicey-nicey pattern that allows anger to build up internally. I want to get better at expressing healthy anger as I go, so it doesn’t silently accumulate, resulting in an explosion or damage to my health or both.

How do we get to healthy anger? Let’s explore.

---

According to trauma expert Irene Lyon, MSC, anger is one of six basic human emotions, which include:

• Joy

• Fear

• Sadness

• Disgust

• Surprise

• Anger

Emotions are biological. They’re built into your DNA. You can’t eliminate them, even if you wanted to. However, you can learn to work with them more skillfully, so that you neither suppress nor indulge them, which is also the Buddhist approach, interestingly.

According to Lyon, a young child’s first expression of healthy aggression, such as tugging on Mom’s hair, is often met with disapproval because society deems anger as undesirable.

When that happens, a child can learn:

• It’s not safe to express anger and shut down, or

• If they live in an environment where an unhealthy form of aggression is prevalent, they may model that aggressive behavior.

Take a moment to consider how you relate to and express anger.

• Does anger, in yourself or others, feel comfortable or uncomfortable? Safe or unsafe?

• Can you express anger without unhealthy aggression, which is characterized by violence or rage (physical or verbal)?

• Do you hold your anger in or direct it towards yourself?

I know my tendency to angry outbursts relates to holding anger in and is rooted in trauma, so that’s where I began to explore healthy aggression. I’ve improved over the years, but I want to improve more.

---

Studying trauma with Irene Lyon, MSC, I’ve learned to become more self-aware of and responsive to my biology as the foundation for working with anger healthily.

Let me explain. That means tuning into natural urges like the need to:

• cough

• sneeze

• drink

• eat

• urinate

• defecate

• rest

And allowing them without shame.

I often dismissed my biological urges in the past until they became urgent. But now I respond to them promptly like an attuned mother would react to a child with a biological need.

As you develop this biological self-awareness and ability to act on your impulses, you’ll gradually start to hear the whispers of your emotions and sensations too, some of which may have been hidden for years. You’ll begin to listen to the rumblings of anger early on before it becomes explosive.

It happens organically from the inside out when you start paying attention to your biology.

Lyon doesn’t recommend cathartic work, like punching pillows and screaming, which, when done prematurely, can be harmful to trauma survivors.

It may feel good initially to release anger through catharsis. But suppose your traumatized system isn’t ready for it, and the desire to release anger comes from your head rather than a biological impulse. You can end up with symptoms like headaches, constipation, or heart palpitations.

The safest approach is to work in a slow and titrated manner, starting with learning to tune into your biological impulses. This will help you naturally attune to your emotions and express them honestly.

This approach is working for me.

---

Therapist Two helped me in unique ways for which I’ll always be immensely grateful. However, I felt a mismatch in our energies soon after I began our sessions.

There were too many instances of unexpected chaos during sessions that left my nervous system dysregulated—the opposite of a good therapeutic interaction. Other times, I felt a sense of misattunement—like I wasn’t being truly seen or heard.

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, so I tried to be patient. I told myself I could handle the disorganization and disconnects because the trauma protocol was the priority.

Not surprisingly, things came to a head because you can only stuff things for so long. I mentioned new pain symptoms during a text exchange. Therapist Two wanted me to see a doctor. I wanted to wait to see if the symptoms reoccurred. She continued to insist. I felt anger rising from within.

I finally texted, “It’s my body. I’ll do what I want.”

That might have been overly direct. It didn’t include a warm, fuzzy sentiment like, “I appreciate your concerns, but it’s my body, and I want to decide for myself.” Still, it was healthy boundary setting, not toxic anger that was violent or abusive.

The next day, after a review of the exchange, Therapist Two had decided they hadn’t done anything wrong without even inquiring about my perspective.

I didn’t react. I managed a graceful response and moved on. However, I saw this response as a warning sign of a person who doesn’t take responsibility for their part in an exchange. I became even more guarded in our interactions.

But I soldiered on because I wanted to continue with the protocol.

---

A breaking point occurred a few months later, after my first panic attack, which happened while engaged in the listening protocol.

Therapist Two admitted that the protocol can cause the release of what needs to come out. In other words, it could have been one factor that brought on my initial panic attack. The flooding of my bathroom set the stage, but the actual panic attack took place after it had been addressed, when I was relaxing and listening to my assignment for the day.

When my heart rate shot up, I called the paramedics. The experience shook me to my core. Although a few weeks had passed, I still felt afraid of recurring panic attacks. I had stopped the protocol and now feared it might trigger me again.

When we next met, I told Therapist Two that I no longer felt safe using the protocol and wasn’t ready to return it. After reviewing my self-reporting texts from the days preceding the panic attack, she asked me if I would promise myself not to use the protocol when I was dysregulated.

In other words, it was my fault?

I had been going through a bout of severe insomnia and chronic pain for several days before the bathroom flooded, and I had to act urgently to stem the flow. She couldn’t have anticipated the emergency, but she was aware of my other physical vulnerabilities and had continued to give me daily listening assignments.

I didn’t know I was dysregulated. The emergency was over and had been addressed. I was relaxing when I started the protocol. I didn’t realize the emergency had been too much for my nervous system to hold until the panic attack occurred out of the blue.

This explanation given was informative. I realized the power and sensitivity of the protocol and that, should I continue, I would indeed need to be more careful about using the protocol when I wasn’t at my best. But the implication that I was at fault seemed inappropriate, especially the way it was phrased.

It never occurred to me to blame Therapist Two. Maybe she feared blame, and, heading it off at the pass, shifted the focus to me. I could see that she would never take responsibility even if she had a part to play.

I gracefully completed the session, sensing that I would never return.

---

That night, I had a recurring dream. I was trying to get to the airport, but I couldn’t make it on time. I couldn’t get my suitcases packed, and then I couldn’t get to the Metro (in France).

The next morning, during meditation, I noticed an inner urge to get up, kick my feet, move my arms around, and joyfully chant, “I’m free of you f*ckers!”

All my trauma experiences from childhood and my early adult years had folded themselves into this experience with Therapist Two. Stored anger was finally coming out naturally.

Anger has continued to emerge. Sometimes it appears in dreams. Sometimes it manifests as an inner urge to move or express myself. I follow the impulse, happy to get it out without harming anyone else.

---

Please don’t hurt yourself by repressing anger. Please don’t hate yourself when your anger comes out in explosive ways. But try to learn a better way.

Anger can be expressed constructively without harm, hostility, or violence. However, if you’re a trauma survivor, you might have to start with small steps first, like listening to and honoring your natural biological impulses.

Healthy aggression means protecting what matters most to you. You have every right to care for yourself in this way.

It includes, but is not limited to:

• Setting healthy boundaries

• Communicating your needs, wants, or opinions assertively using “I” statements

• Walking away from toxic conversations or harmful environments

• Standing up for yourself and others who are being treated unfairly

It’s not necessarily an easy journey if you hide your anger or tend to explode. But I trust you can do this, and wouldn’t it be wonderful to live more peacefully without compromising yourself?

---

I’ve been on an incredible journey the last three months. It’s been challenging, and there have been moments when the fear and anxiety have felt more than I could bear.

The panic attacks have subsided, but I haven’t recovered fully from the fear of a recurrence. I’m giving myself all the time and space I need to heal because slow and steady works best for me.

Today was the first day I looked at the heart monitor on my Apple Watch since the initial panic attack, fearing it might re-trigger me. I’ve also purchased a blood pressure monitor. When I feel ready, I’ll check my blood pressure over 30 days so my doctor can decide if I need medication.

I thought the trauma listening protocol would bring about a miraculous healing. I see now I was expecting rainbows, unicorns, and lollipops. I guess it did facilitate my recovery—just in a far more challenging way than I ever expected.

Tell me, where are you at with expressing anger? I would love to hear.

---

Notebook Joy!

Check out my first collection of composition notebooks. Each design is meant to spark a little joy every time you pick it up!

If you look forward to receiving these e-letters, and they help you navigate life with more mindfulness, self-awareness, and ease, I’d love your support as a paid subscriber. Or get to know my writing first by becoming a free subscriber. You’ll join 4,000+ beautiful souls.