How to Comfort Yourself When You Fear Abandonment

This gentle self-practice helped me become the safe place I'd been searching for

Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on Pexels

Do you fear abandonment?

You may not be quivering in trepidation every single moment of the day. But, when triggered by a particular word or behavior from another, does an avalanche of insecurity, distrust, and worry descend from the hidden corridors of your mind?

I’ve come to recognize the fear of abandonment as an active resident in my psyche. Here are two examples, and the single strategy I use to calm the fear when it arises.

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Will They Be Here for Me?

After meeting with a new therapist a few times, I asked for assurance that he wouldn’t move away. He’d been on the island for about a year. But I know the transitory nature of this place. A person can be here one moment and gone the next. So I needed to hear he’s sinking roots, and won’t just vanish one day. I needed to know, he’ll be here for me.

Secondly, I met a fantastic doctor who exuded a beautiful, centered, loving calmness. He assured me — not with bravado, but with gentle and genuine confidence — that he fully understood my condition. “You’ve been alone with this until now,” he said. “Now, you have us to hold this as well.” Tears streamed from my eyes. I felt the depth of his care and commitment.

Later that evening, a scary thought flashed through my mind, “What will happen when the treatment doesn’t always work because I’m sensitive to many supplements, herbs, and regular medication too? Will he just abandon me?”

My cheeks felt wet with tears. One by one, they rolled down the contour of my face and dropped off my chin—drops of fear, sadness, and uncertainty.

I instinctively put my hands on my heart and said, “I will never abandon you.”

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Fear Stays Alive Unless You Lean Into It

I don’t know where these disconcerting fears of abandonment come from.

My parents were always there for me, at least physically if not emotionally. My father suffered from actual abandonment at an early age. Maybe his silent but bleeding wounds somehow infiltrated my being, leaving indents in my neural pathways, and this catching feeling in my heart.

Whatever the origin, I know this fear stays alive in me because, until now, I have never paid heed to it—not in a curious, thoughtful, and careful way. Instead, whenever it appeared, I shoved it back inside.

No more.

My desire for greater self-sovereignty means being present to feelings of abandonment when they arise. It means making and holding this promise to myself: “ I will never abandon you.”

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How Much Can You Rely Upon Others?

I don’t remember the exact quote, and have never been able to find it again. But I recall this sentiment from the diaries of Anaïs Nin, which I read as a teen. She said something like:

Every human being is treacherous to every other human being because they must be true to their own soul.

I don’t remember anything else from her diaries, but this thought burned into my heart. Perhaps, I read it as a warning. Perhaps, it amplified an already existing deep-seated fear of abandonment.

I believe in healthy relationships. I believe in sweet friendships. I believe in supporting and depending upon each other in a non-sticky way. We need each other’s love, care, and support in this complex, topsy-turvy world. And simply because we’re human.

“Love is not a luxury, it’s a necessity.”—the Dalai Lama

But I know everything changes as well.

The person you love one day may be unavailable or gone the next. People move, drop off the internet, and get involved in a different flow of life.

From a Buddhist perspective, when the karma between you and another person completes, the attraction or connection can dissolve instantly. And like the saying, “This ship has sailed,” there’s no getting it back.

Spiritual traditions offer different explanations for what happens after death, but no one knows for sure. I imagine I will be alone after death as my mental body travels the in-between states. Isn’t it imperative that I learn to be there for myself now? Wholly. Fully.

This fear of abandonment will undoubtedly arise again whenever the opportunity for a genuine friendship, caring partnership, or loving relationship appears. Or, when someone speaks in a suspect way, and my ever-vigilant antennae flash a warning.

But I won’t turn away from the fear or push it aside. I’ll welcome it like an old friend, I’ve known for a long time.

Because I now have my simple, single anti-abandonment strategy, the only one I’ll ever need. I put my hands over my heart and whisper sweetly to myself: “I will never abandon you.” As I do, the fear of abandonment melts away.

People may come and go in my life, but I will never abandon myself. Will you make that promise to yourself, too?

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