Is Joy the Best Life Guide?

An invitation to consider what feeds your soul

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels

Hello Lovelies,

My friend

Cathy Joseph

, who writes the Random Conversations Substack, decided to stop publishing articles on Medium because it no longer fed her soul.

Her courageous step prompted me to reflect on whether joy should be our primary guide in life. “Joy” is my shorthand for “feed your soul,” but the phrase may have more meanings in your heart. What does it mean to you?

I tend to stick things out to the bitter end, long past the dissolution of joy. That has included romantic relationships, unfulfilling jobs, and connections with healthcare providers who no longer serve me.

Joy has rarely, if ever, been a determining factor in my life. An overriding sense of responsibility coupled with loyalty has repeatedly decided for me.

But why am I so responsible, even when it compromises my health? Why am I so loyal, even when my allegiance is no longer deserved?

Like a faithful dog, I’ll wait for you forever, hoping for a bone or an affectionate ear rub. Deep inside, I harbor an undying hope that I'll finally be loved and acknowledged if I’m responsible enough. I’ll finally be loved and acknowledged if my loyalty never wavers.

That has kept me in a state of constant striving fueled by not-enoughness.

Our unhealthy behaviors often stem from a core theme established in our childhood. My theme is the belief I’m unlovable, unworthy, and not enough. Can you relate?

Since I’ve started on my path of self-healing, I’ve become more conscious of these self-defeating patterns and thus less likely to compromise myself, but the tendencies haven’t stopped entirely.

As the old saying goes, and Mick Jagger underscored in his award-winning song for the 2004 movie Alfie, old habits die hard. That doesn’t worry me as long as I see progress. Instead, I feel self-compassion for that part of me who feels so unlovable she has driven herself so hard.

But can I up the game and take my self-healing a step further? Could I rely on joy as my guide?

If you’ve been reading me for a while, you know I’ve done my best to adapt to the Boost program on Medium, the second platform where I write, which began in February 2023. I’ve had enough boosted articles to prove that point.

Nevertheless, as the months went on, I felt like a rat in a cage anxiously awaiting its next reward, wondering if another would ever come again.

Variable reward systems can lead to stress, anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy. As time passed, boosts, which often brought substantially higher views and reads, became more elusive for me and many writers on the platform. Others have cracked the code and made the right editor connections to get regular boosts.

I’ve asked myself whether to stay on the platform or go a million times. If the decision had come down to joy alone, as it did for Cathy, I would have been long gone. However, the small income I received figured into my indecision.

The unconscious need to prove myself also kept me anxiously locked in the cage, running on the treadmill, hoping for the next reward. But something happened when my health took a slight downturn last month, and the inner reward mechanism broke down.

Forced to take a break, I discovered I’m 100% happier when I do 50% less. I much prefer a slower, more contemplative-based life.

The rewards that lured me before began to lose their appeal. The joy of slow living snuck in and took their place. I could no longer gear myself up to bang out three new articles each week for a platform now so stingy with views and giving me cents rather than dollars for most of my work, figuratively speaking.

Has the rat finally broken out of the cage, or is it sitting just within the open door, contemplating an exit? I don’t have a definitive answer. I only know I’m choosing to live slowly right now, which brings me joy.

But it feels like joy surreptitiously won, at least in the short term. Maybe joy will finally become my life guide. Don’t I deserve that after a life of nose-to-the-grindstone?

Is joy the best life guide? Why not?

If you’re not feeding your soul in this life, what motivates you, and does it bring you genuine satisfaction? Is your life driven by unconscious needs, like mine was, that external rewards will never fulfill? Is it time to heal them?

Take a moment, look within, and tell me what you discover in the comments.

I know joy cannot be the only feeling or reward that drives my life. Like all emotional states, joy is transitory. Given the complexity of the human psyche interacting with a complicated world, it would be foolish to expect to feel a constant state of joy.

I agree with my friend

Paulette Bodeman

, who said this about joy as a life guide:

“I think it’s paradoxical. Sometimes doing your dharma is doing what needs to be done, and what’s right. Maybe in the long term joy will arise, but not always in the moment.”

The Sanskrit word “dharma” has many meanings. In this context, it means duty, purpose, or service. Witnessing suffering may not feel joyful, but we may still choose to serve people experiencing poverty, help people in war-torn countries, or visit a dying relative because it’s the right thing to do.

Joy cannot be our only life guide, but surely, it should factor heavily into our most significant decisions, like where we work, live, and play. When we make those decisions, shouldn’t we ask, “Does this feed my soul?”

Otherwise, whatever we do becomes a tedious grind. Who deserves such misery, and how does that serve the world?

“Joy is in fact our birthright and even more fundamental than happiness.”———the Dalai Lama

As I write about joy, I feel devastated by the violence occurring in the Middle East and the destruction wrought by Hurricane Helene.

I want joy to be one of my central life guides, but I could never think about my happiness alone. True joy comes from recognizing our connection with all sentient beings and doing what we can to relieve their suffering.

Two of my favorite Substack writers will donate 50% of the proceeds from new annual subscriptions to relief funds for Hurricane Helene's recovery.

• The Practice of Life by

  Maia Duerr
  from now until October 31

• The Chocolate Taoist or Black Books and Black Music by

  Diamond-Michael Scott

Check them out!

“Joy is the reward, really, of seeking to give joy to others. When you show compassion, when you show caring, when you show love to others, do things for others, in a wonderful way you have a deep joy that you can get in no other way.—the Dalai Lama

I admire

Cathy Joseph

’s willingness to let go of a less fulfilling situation and dive into the new because it feeds her soul. I’m dipping my toes into the water of joy. We’ll see what the future brings for me.

What do you think? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

• Is joy the best life guide?

• What does the phrase “feed your soul” mean to you?

• If you’re not feeding your soul in this life, what motivates you, and does it bring you genuine satisfaction?

• Is your life driven by unconscious needs that external rewards will never fulfill? Is it time to heal those wounds?

Thanks for joining me in this process of inner reflection.

Until Next Time

I thought I’d be getting a new diagnosis last month, but fortunately, I’m in the normal range for thyroid function.

After more research, I realized my rash of minor health struggles is more likely due to my already existing chronic condition, Hereditary Alpha Tryptasemia (HaT), and an elevation in tryptase beyond my usual number (which is never normal).

Honestly, one complex condition is enough! I’m grateful not to have another. I’ve also learned some new HaT hacks that might calm my system. Fingers crossed!

Thanks for reading. It means so much to me. Much love and best wishes to you, always.

xo Sandra

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P.S. If you’re a stationery lover, like me, or just need a new notebook, please check out my first collection of composition notebooks. Each design is meant to spark a little joy every time you pick it up.