Why I'm Suddenly Meditating More and Loving It
The many ways life can distract us from our most valued priorities
Hello Lovelies,
This week, I’m sharing a glimpse into my personal history.
You may or may not relate to the spiritual aspects of my journey. Still, I hope my confusion about priorities will help you consider how easily we can get distracted from our most important aspirations—whatever yours may be.
Ready?
Many years ago, I studied an ancient text that detailed how to achieve enlightenment in six months, supposedly my highest aspiration. One caveat: You must practice single-mindedly in retreat.
In addition, now and then, you needed to let out a mind-shattering “PHAT,” a Tibetan seed syllable, to break apart your conceptual mind. Being weak of voice, I knew I could never shatter my stream of thoughts with my, at best, feeble utterance.
And I was too busy for retreat.
I managed the U.S. arm of a large spiritual organization, which filled my need for purpose. I believed we were creating a better world, so I took my work seriously. I labored twenty-four seven, so meditation and other spiritual practices took a backseat.
Many remarkable teachers visited our various centers and bestowed countless teachings upon us. Thus, I never wanted for knowledge or instruction, only for the time needed to put them into practice.
Instead, I put all my energy into serving others, interspersed by the occasional meditation session.
I don’t doubt my positive motivation. But years later, I realized how thoroughly it had been mixed with neurosis. Hidden beneath my virtue, I craved acknowledgment and affirmation. I became a workaholic because I needed to prove myself to buoy my self-esteem and worthiness.
I applaud my good-heartedness. But I was utterly blind to the emotional wounds and patterns that drove my behavior.
We may believe we know our priorities. But look a little deeper. You may also discover unconscious forces that drive your everyday life.
Ideally, healing those wounds would have been my priority because our emotional patterns become obstacles on the spiritual path.
But no regrets! Life unfolds as it does. Lessons repeat and can take years and even decades to learn. We must be patient with ourselves.
As soon as I left my role in this spiritual community, a mysterious illness took me down. All the years of stressful overwork made me ripe for a dreadful chronic illness.
The same happened to several of my equally zealous colleagues when they departed. Constant stress can impact many systems in your body, including your immune function. As soon as you relax, your body may be tempted to fall apart.
Please beware of chronic stress. It can have serious consequences.
Despite my illness, I was determined to attend a three-year retreat that would be held in just a few years. I imagined the experience would be the pinnacle of my spiritual life. I did all I could to heal my tired, pain-riddled, and now highly-sensitive body.
I improved enough to fool myself into believing I could manage a three-year retreat in a foreign country, where I would have no control over what I ate or where I lived.
It wasn’t a traditional three-year retreat, where you’re locked up and rarely receive teachings. Many highly esteemed Buddhist teachers visited our center and taught in the spring, summer, and fall. Winter, however, brought splendid isolation and massive amounts of individual and group practice.
My body felt apart again, but the spiritual experience felt sublime. Thanks to the restrictions inherent in retreat, I finally had a chance to focus my time and attention on my real priorities: study and spiritual practice.
Restriction sounds like such a severe word. But freedom can come from the right forms of restriction.
If you get distracted from your priorities, as I have, imposing carefully selected restrictions upon your life may be exactly what you need.
Through sheer determination, I completed three years, three months, and three days in retreat.
I weighed in at 91 pounds when I left the retreat, up from my low of 84 during a long period of wild physical symptoms.
I moved across two oceans to Hawaii and concentrated on healing my body. I attended retreats periodically via the Internet and maintained a modest daily practice.
Once again, I was busy with worldly affairs.
I taught a 10-week online meditation course three times a year. I started my first blog and regularly published personal and spiritual development articles. I studied how to be a better blogger.
As the years went on, I got involved in building additions to a one-room studio and planted and maintained a fruit orchard that covered more than an acre. I also dropped whatever I was doing for fun days with my partner.
Spirituality remained an essential thread in my life but not the most critical priority.
Eight years later, three crises occurred that radically changed my life. I lost my home and most of my possessions during the 2018 lava eruption on the Big Island, my marriage ended, and my spiritual teacher was revealed as a serial abuser.
Disorientation ensued.
For a while, I focused on helping people who had been abused by my teacher and supporting other students who felt disappointed, disgusted, and betrayed. The lava invasion forced me to move from one rental to another until I finally purchased a small home where I settled with my cats. I also did hours of therapy to heal my broken heart.
As you can see, various forms of busyness and distraction marked my days.
Having disconnected from my spiritual teacher and community, I felt overcome by despair.
“What about me? What about my spiritual path? What about enlightenment?”
That sounds self-centered, but after years on a clearly demarcated spiritual path, I floated directionless without an anchor. I still believed in Buddhism, but Tibetan Buddhist rituals now triggered a trauma response that made me want to run for my life.
I felt lost spiritually, but over time, I returned to daily mindfulness meditation, which gave me some respite.
I know my true essence lies within and can’t be found outside myself. However, I need structure and guidance to stay focused on the practices that will bring glimpses of realization.
I wanted a new spiritual teacher, but who could I trust? I found a few teachers I felt comfortable with and studied their teachings online, safely from afar. But until recently, it felt like a hodgepodge, not a structured path.
This year, I went back to basics and studied mindfulness meditation in depth from both a Theravada and a Dzogchen Buddhist perspective.
Given my patterns and propensities, I realized my dream of enlightenment may have been highly unrealistic. But perhaps I could accomplish some degree of mindfulness.
I gave this new path of study a significant amount of time, but I still dabbled in meditation between medical appointments, car repairs, and writing online. I knew that would not be enough to engender any degree of spiritual awakening.
It took another crisis to shift my priorities.
Last month, my elderly cat Tara suffered a sudden medical emergency. It was time to send her across the rainbow bridge. I knew it would be challenging to watch Tara’s light go out, but I had to be there for her during the process of euthanasia.
After our cuddles and goodbyes, the Vet came in and administered a sedative and then the euthanasia shot. It was just a matter of minutes before her spirit left her body.
“We’re just a bag of bones in the end,” I thought as I sat with her corpse and silently repeated mantras for a short while.
Seeing her lifeless body strongly impacted me. I went numb for hours until I could finally let all the grief come rumbling out.
But I couldn’t get the “bag of bones” insight out of my mind.
No wonder spiritual speakers in the East often practiced in cemeteries and charnel grounds. One day, my body will be a bag of bones, just like Tara's. If I don’t connect with my higher consciousness now, the winds of karma will blow it hither and thither when my times comes.
Suddenly, meditation became my top priority rather than my lowest. That’s the simple and single reason I’m meditating more and loving it.
Impermanence finally became real.
Your Thoughts?
What are your most important priorities? What’s distracting you from it? I would love to hear your thoughts!
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Until Next Time
I don’t know why I felt compelled to go down memory lane in this piece. But I followed my intuition. I hope you’ll find a valuable lesson in this piece that can help you somehow.
Thanks for reading. It means so much to me. Much love and best wishes to you, always.
xo Sandra
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Beautiful essay--you've had quite the journey! May you continue to find ways to connect to your true self!!
And I'm so grateful and honored that you shared my journal prompts. ❤️ Joy to you on your birthday!
Wow! Thank you for this beautiful recount of your life! I have been searching for ways to deepen my knowledge of meditation and mindfulness, and I think I may have just found several helpful hints in your article.