Let Your Bitchy Side Shine

And if you lose your voice, don’t despair. You can find it again.

Photo by Elle Hughes on Pexels

Are you a woman who speaks her mind, stands her ground, and says “stop” to inequality, objectification, and injustice?

In this mixed-up world, you might be called “bitchy.”

The noun “bitch” simply means a female dog. But “bitch” and the adjective “bitchy” became terms of disparagement applied to women from the 14th century onward.

No wonder the current-day Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines bitchy as “a malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman.”

I found it interesting to look at synonyms for the word, too:

• Hateful

• Spiteful

• Nasty

• Malignant

• Mean

• Evil

But it doesn’t take much these days to be called a bitch. You just reject a man’s catcalls while innocently walking down a street, and the retort may very well be, “You bitch.”

Men have employed the term “bitchy” to demean, discourage, and silence women for centuries. One current president frequently uses the synonym “nasty” to describe powerful women who disagree with or criticize him.

Is that okay with you?

Am I bitchy enough?

When June Kirri asked if I’d like to write for Bitchy, an online Medium publication, one thought went through my mind. “Am I bitchy enough?”

I didn’t mean in the male-defined sense of the word. I reject all those degrading definitions of “bitchy.” I have reclaimed and reframed the word to mean “female truth-teller.”

I have reclaimed and reframed the word “bitchy” to mean “female truth-teller.”

But do I live up to that honorific title?

A few years back, I wrote a piece called “Don’t Pin Climate Change on Barbie.”

It wasn’t my typical inner peace fare.

I felt delighted when I received this comment from one of my favorite online writers:

“Who are you and what have you done with my friend Sandra? On a serious note, I LOVE this! I am not sure I’ve heard such ‘strong woman’ voice from you before and I don’t mean this in a good or bad way. You fluidly adapt your tone, sentence structure and word choice to your topic. Mindfulness requires calm and soft. This needed authoritative, slightly satirical and punchy and you pulled it off superbly.” —

Ali Hall

I do have a positively bitchy side after all! I’m multi-dimensional. I can be calm and soft and fierce and strident.

While it might have been silent and silenced during different periods of my life, I intend to let my bitchy side shine when needed.

My bitchy voice emerged early in life

My ability to tell the truth waxed and waned as I traveled my life journey. I didn’t hesitate to speak out in my twenties when I eagerly embraced the label “feminist.”

My weekly consciousness-raising group discussed sexism and oppression. We read and discussed books by feminist icons like Betty Friedan, Simone de Beauvoir, and Angela Y. Davis.

In one meeting, we used a speculum, a mirror, and a flashlight to examine our vaginas. The practice was meant to take back our power and reject any shame we felt toward our unique female form.

I was a founding member of Orange County Women Against Rape (OCWAR) and the California Coalition of Women Against Sexual Violence. I sat on a city commission for the prevention of violence against women.

I certainly qualified as positively bitchy in that period of my life.

Then bitchy translated into action

Once I graduated college, I entered the world of social service.

I placed underprivileged people in subsidized jobs and helped them transition into the paid workforce. Later, I became the director of a battered women’s shelter and rape crisis center.

Social service turned my feminist words into action in one respect. But in another sense, organizational work smothered my voice. It got lost among the due dates for grant proposals, emergency pick-ups, and the latest maintenance issues at the shelter.

At the same time, my need for love and affirmation surreptitiously hid behind my strident words and service-oriented behavior. When a potential love mate came into the picture, I was prone to prioritize his needs over mine as a trade-off for love.

These relationships never went long-term. But they made little dings in my feminist warrior shield.

And they spelled trouble on the horizon, although it took a different form.

Later, I lost my beautiful voice completely

In my early thirties, I met a captivating male spiritual teacher.

I quickly transformed from a feminist in action to an obedient servant. I had an honorable motivation. I wanted to save the world, rid it of violence, and bring all beings to enlightenment.

My spiritual teacher took advantage of my good heart. He worked me to the bone. I was no longer allowed to voice my opinions, nor was anyone else.

He often told me I was too direct when interacting with others, so I learned to temper my tongue.

You might wonder how this could have happened to a determined feminist.

A charismatic narcissist wields tremendous power. I fully believed in his vision of an enlightened world. I fully accepted the lies he told about the student-disciple relationship. Good mixed with the bad, making it hard to discern the danger.

Eventually, he was exposed as a serial abuser. My voice returned when I spoke out to help women who he had abused and alert those who might be in danger of future exploitation.

I lost my voice. And I got it back.

A few concluding thoughts

Life went on. I lost my voice and found my voice many times more.

I’m still all for love and peace. I write about how to love and respect yourself. I write about how to love and respect others, too.

But now and then, I read about a social injustice or the exploitation of a woman, and my bitchy side arises. She demands to be expressed in words, which explains my treatise on the writer who blamed Barbie for climate change.

Maybe you’ve been a feminist through and through since the minute you emerged from the womb. However, due to societal conditioning, many women have a complicated relationship with their voices. Their ability to set clear and firm boundaries may be shaky, too.

Don’t judge yourself. We’re all learning as we go.

Your voice may undergo many iterations on your life journey. It may be empowered in some phases and silenced in others.

Whatever happens, don’t turn against yourself. Just remember, whatever has happened, it’s never too late to let your bitchy side shine again.

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