How to Stop Taking Things Personally
If you want to be happy, learn to let go of this painful habit
Do you take things personally?
I always have. My body and brain respond rapidly to the slightest hint of criticism or questioning, tightening my muscles and pouring forth tears. All this happens far before my thinking mind kicks in.
One time, in the middle of a session, a therapist proclaimed in a rather nasty way, “It’s not all about you, Sandra.” Our exchange deteriorated from there.
I slid into confusion and distress, silently asking myself: “What is he doing? Why is he saying these things? What’s going on?”
My gut screamed, “Get out of here.” It took a moment, but that’s what I did.
I weakly announced, “You can’t talk to me that way.”
I stood up and walked out. I continued to cry and tremble for a while after the encounter. It had aroused vestiges of trauma from early years.
The way the therapist confronted me amounted to verbal abuse. I responded appropriately by walking out. But ironically, I now see the importance of his message.
To this day, when I find myself taking things personally, I often hear his words in my head once again: “It’s not all about you, Sandra.”
Fortunately, one time when I got caught taking things personally, I also came across my hidden copy of The Four Agreements, A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Why Do We Take Things Personally?
In his book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz says,
“Don’t take anything personally.”
It’s the second of his four agreements. Although you’ve probably seen online memes quoting the four agreements a million times, have you taken the second agreement to heart? Or do you still take things personally?
Let’s look at what Ruiz says about taking things personally and how to overcome this self-harming habit.
Ruiz says you take things personally because, on some level, you agree with them. You may disagree with them literally, but something in the words, the look, or the behavior hooks you.
In the example I shared above, it wasn’t necessarily the exact words but the implication that something was wrong with me.
Ruiz claims that taking things personally is an act of selfishness because, as my ex-therapist said, it indicates you think everything is about “you.”
I find that a little hard to hear, and maybe you do, too.
To put that through a different filter, taking things personally in a particular moment may have been self-centered, but that doesn’t mean you’re a completely self-absorbed person. You might be a kind and compassionate person with deep wounds that have brought about your emotional sensitivity or reactivity.
Please don’t add self-judgment to taking things personally!
Ruiz continues by stating that what other people do isn’t about you; it’s about them. They live in their personal dream, which they’ve constructed in their minds. Their dream is rooted in the programming they received as children and the subsequent agreements — around feeling states, beliefs, and opinions — they have conjured in their minds. So, what they say and do has nothing to do with you.
How you respond reflects your dream and the agreements you made as a child. And that’s how it will be unless you take conscious steps to identify and change those agreements.
When you take things personally, you become easy prey for those who exploit and manipulate others. That’s why naturally sensitive people do best by avoiding people who drain their energy, especially those with narcissistic tendencies. The more a sensitive person engages with these kinds of people, the more their sensitivity will be activated and the more entrenched it will become in their brains.
What can you do?
When you take things personally, you become easy prey for those who exploit and manipulate others.
The Alternative to Taking Things Personally: Live in Love
Instead of taking things personally, Ruiz says to drop your fears and live from a place of love. When you live from love, you find happiness, contentment, and a sense of peace that doesn’t depend on others.
Don’t take anything personally — even the good things. People flatter you because of something within them. If you live in love, you won’t need other people’s flattery. Your self-esteem will be intact. You’ll already know your value.
You also don’t need to believe the inner critic or mean girl in your head. These critical voices come from the conditioning you received as a child and have nothing to do with reality. You now have a choice to live under your inner critic's thumb or reject that programming.
When you take things personally, you create unnecessary suffering.
If you’ve learned to project on others whenever you feel hurt or angry, you’ll blame them for your suffering instead of taking responsibility for it yourself. Doing so only continues the cycle of suffering.
“When we really see other people as they are without taking it personally, we can never be hurt by what they say or do. Even if others lie to you, it is okay. They are lying to you because they are afraid. They are afraid that you will discover they are not perfect. It is painful to take that social mask off. If others say one thing, but do another, you are lying to yourself if you don’t listen to their actions. But if you are truthful with yourself, you will save yourself a lot of emotional pain. Telling yourself the truth about it may hurt, but you don’t need to be attached to the pain. Healing is on the way, and it’s just a matter of time before things will be better for you.”—Don Miguel Ruiz
To end your unnecessary suffering, learn not to take anything personally. Instead, see the bigger picture and live in love.
You Can Learn Not to Take Things Personally
Not taking things personally is a skill you can learn. It requires committed practice and takes time.
Here’s a recap of Ruiz's main points and my suggestions for helping you stop taking things personally.
Practice switching your focus from “me” centered to seeing things as they are.
Whatever another person thinks or feels is about them, not about you. It’s their problem, not yours. However, don’t ignore valid feedback from others. Just be sure to review it through the lens of your inner wisdom.
Even though we interact with others, we’re dealing with ourselves—our beliefs, perspectives, and projections. Because we rarely see people as they are, we see them through the filter of our mind-made dreams.
What someone says or how they behave may touch your wounds, which is likely why you take it personally. Focus on healing your wounds rather than blaming the other person. You can come to see those moments when you feel tempted to take things personally as a reminder to turn your attention to your healing.
Taking things personally can be a sign of low self-esteem. You feel hurt because you believe what the person has said about you. Assess the negative beliefs you hold about yourself that diminish your self-worth. Then, write a countermanding affirmation for each one. Say these affirmations to yourself whenever you find you’re taking things personally. You could also say them daily as a way to boost your self-esteem.
Your version of reality isn’t the truth. You constructed your version of reality based on your previous experiences and conditioning. You can change how you see the world by revisiting your agreements, rejecting the ones that aren’t based on truth, and creating new agreements that help you see yourself and the world as it is.
Learn to soothe yourself when you feel emotional pain. When you tell yourself the truth about someone else’s words or behavior, it may hurt initially due to your emotional wounds and false beliefs. But you’ll be saving yourself a tremendous amount of emotional pain in the long run. By learning how to soothe yourself, you’ll be able to soften the pain you feel.
Drop your fears and live from love. That’s a tall order. It won’t happen overnight. But you can practice dropping from your head into your heart and seeing the world from that perspective. You can practice saying loving things to yourself and others. You can practice living from your heart. And gradually, you’ll live more and more from love.
Not taking things personally is a skill you can learn.
A Simple Blueprint to More Self-Esteem
As a first step, you need to acknowledge that you take things too personally. I was in denial about that for most of my life. I considered myself a highly sensitive person who had a right to turn everything into an emotional drama.
Secondly, commit to change. Once you decide you’ll change this tendency, follow this tip from Ruiz. He says to put the second agreement — don’t take anything personally — on your refrigerator, so you’ll see it often as a reminder. Keep the eight points I’ve shared close by. They’ll also remind you to stop when tempted to take things personally and follow those steps instead.
But that’s not enough. If you genuinely want to change, spend time contemplating each point. Write about them in your journal. Which ones fit for you, and which ones don't fit? Make a personal plan for how you’ll turn this tendency around. Then, put it into practice.
When you practice the second agreement, Ruiz says:
“When you make it a strong habit not to take anything personally, you avoid many upsets in your life. Your anger, jealousy, and envy will disappear and even your sadness will simply disappear if you don’t take things personally.”
You Deserve More Ease and Joy
It’s been a few years since I resolved not to take things personally. I’m not perfect at it, but I’m much better than before.
I’m much more likely to catch myself before I take things personally and redirect myself—which makes for a lot more ease and joy in my life.
That’s what I wish for you.
As to the wayward therapist, I’ve heard he’s mended his ways. More proof that we can, indeed, change.
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“What someone says or how they behave may touch your wounds, which is likely why you take it personally.” This line you wrote really got me thinking, Sandra. It’s such a simple, direct statement, but it holds so much truth. It's not just about what’s being said, but where it’s landing within us. It’s like someone poking a bruise; it hurts more because there’s already an underlying injury. This makes me realize that when I feel that sharp sting of taking something personally, it’s less about the other person and more about my own unhealed spaces. It’s a prompt, as you said, to turn inward and focus on healing. It shifts the focus from being a victim of others’ words to being a caretaker of my own heart.
I've always loved the Ruiz book.
This quote though, this brought it home for me 🥰 :
"You can’t control how other people receive your energy. Anything you do or say gets filtered through the lens of whatever they are going through at the moment, which is not about you. Just keep doing your thing with as much integrity and love as possible.”
- Nanea Hoffman